8 Ways to Ruin Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is nearly here, and if you’re as excited about it as I am, then you’ll have no problem ruining it. My mom is cool and all but spending the day with your mom is sooooo boring. (I’m just being honest, mom.) Here are some of the best ways to ruin that special, special Sunday. The theory being that she will never want to spend another Mother's Day with you ever again… and that might not be such a bad thing.
WARNING: If you plan on surviving the day with four limbs, do not try this at home.
1. Call Child Protection Services
If you’re anticipating an especially horrible day—worse than the usual Boggle and hike—then call these guys. They’ll help you out.
2. Get a tattoo
Not like on your hip or something, it has to be somewhere realllly obvious… where there's absolutely no way you could hide it. Make sure it's really stupid and meaningless. "What mom? Bulletproof is my favorite Adam Sandler/Damon Wayans movie! Remember when we rented it that time? I got the movie tattooed on my arm so I could always remember that special day we had together. Happy Mother's Day!"
3. Take her to an M. Night Shyamalan movie!
You’re right: with this one, I’ve gone too far. NO ONE deserves this type of cruelty. The prisoners in Guantanamo wouldn't even be subjected to such horrors.
4. Remind her of all the things she's done wrong
"Remember that time you forgot to pick me up at school and I stood there in the rain crying for 3 hours while you were getting your hair done? I do. Happy Mother's Day!"
5. Take her to lunch… and forget your money
Moms love lunch! Especially if it involves sharing food, especially salads. And the only thing better than sharing a salad with her offspring – to a mom – is when her offspring can pick up the tab. That means they have a job. It makes mom's feel like they did everything right in life when their kids have a job and can take them to lunch for things like their birthday and Mother's Day. If you pretend to forget your money, she'll feel like she FAILED at being a mom, it will crush her. Good times.
6. Remind her how old she is
One way to do this is to get her a subscription to AARP Magazine… If you don't know what AARP is, it's a magazine that "helps people 50+ live their most fulfilling lives." Seriously, get a subscription for your mom… even if she's not over 50… and act really sincere… like you're so proud of the gift you got her… it'll be hilarious.
7. Ask her if it’s “that time of month”
“Geeze mom, what's going on with you? Is it your lady time or what?” The only thing worse than being right with that question… is being wrong.
8. Send her an E-card
And NOTHING else… not even a phone call… and make sure to send it at like 8pm on Mother's Day.
How do you plan on terrorizing your mother’s Mother’s Day?