The 9 Laziest Foodstuffs Ever Created!
Remember that scene in Idiocracy when Frito Pendejo was sitting in his combination recliner/toilet, watching “Ow, My Balls!” and eating out of a horrifying looking tub labeled “Food”? All of the edible nightmares on this list are proof that we will one day live in a reality that aggressively ignorant. These are some of the laziest foodstuffs ever created…and mankind is just getting started. Next on the docket? Injectable gravy.
The ability to use tools, i.e. spoons, is what separates us from the animals. Take our tools away and we are just animals – albeit animals who can totally ollie while eating dairy products. Gnarly, dude!
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich pods, with the crust removed because that’s the way mommy used to make it before we had the ability to do anything but scream when we didn’t get our way. These things taste like what being a five-year-old must feel like; why they don’t come with a diaper is beyond me.
Shake n' Pour Pancake Batter
Is there anything easier than adding water to a bowl filled with pancake mix? Yes. Adding water to a jug filled with pancake mix. Because mo’ bowls, mo’ problems. ADDED BONUS: The top of the jug is mouth sized…perfect for chugging!
Cup Noodle Machine
It stands to reason that the company lazy enough to bring you "Cup Noodles" (because "Cup of Noodles" is too taxing to say) would also bring you a vending machine whose sole purpose is to boil and pour water over their sodium-laden slop. Now all they have to do is invent a machine that cures high blood pressure.
According to Canwich™’s manufacturer, "Whether packing a lunch for school or work, feeding kids on the run, or headed out for a fun outdoor adventure, Candwich™ is a great-tasting, healthy alternative to fast food." In reality, the Canwich™ has 480 calories and 22 grams of fat per serving, as well as 23% of the saturated fat you're supposed to consume in one day. So…not only are you not eating a healthy alternative to fast food, you're also making it harder to sleep at night knowing you've eaten a BBQ sandwich out of a damn can.
Fried Fish With Tartar Sauce Inside
Worried you’ll get carpal tunnel from constantly dipping your fish sticks into tartar sauce? Worry no longer! These fish already have tartar sauce INSIDE! Taste the tartar sauce EXPLOSION in your mouth! YUM!
Tubes of bagel with cream cheese shoved inside, Bagel-fuls are essentially the American version of the Asian monstrosity showcased above. Think of them as Go-Gurts for adults. Sad, sad, adults. Who eat them on their way to their jobs at the dog food factory.
The original, and still the best. (And by best, I mean most horrific.) Easy Cheese is the lazy food by which all other lazy foods should be measured. It’s cheese in spray form, folks. Until we start eating everything in spray form, it’ll always be top dog.
Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick
As the name would imply, it’s pancakes and sausage…on a stick. It comes in original, chocolate chip and artificial blueberry flavors. And if you’re too lazy to hold the stick, don’t fret! The good folks at Jimmy Dean have created “mini” versions of this product! Thanks, guys!
Can you think of any other soul-shatteringly lazy foods? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!