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The Absolute Worst Times To Show Your Cleavage

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Recently a lawyer filed a motion against opposing counsel for using a big-breasted paralegal (who happened to be his wife) to distract jurors from the relevant proceedings. Now, most guys would probably say that there is no inappropriate time for cleavage… but there really are times in life when the best thing to do is just cover up those lady lumps. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of times you can display your cans, just not these times. Please.


At Your Wedding


Hey, I’ve seen enough Bride-zilla shows to know that it’s the BRIDE’S DAY and she can do whatever unreasonable thing she wants…but Boob-zilla is taking it too far with her nip slip nuptials. I guess you can give her credit for taking two bazookas and totally blowing the pretense of the ‘ virgin bride all in white’ to smithereens…but that’s about it. Too bad Kate Middleton didn’t wear this on her special day…pretty sure Pippa’s a** wouldn’t have stolen her thunder then!


When You’re A Grandma


Unless you’re Helen Mirren…you and your boobs have had their day. Please go to the nearest Chico’s and buy an age appropriate poncho.


At A G-8 Summit


There is a reason that powerful political leaders who are also female wear sexless pant suits. Powerful political leaders who are male are still boobie-obsessed dudes. We don’t want to have an international incident because Nicolas Sarkozy gets all oh la la over what Angela Merkel’s got going on in her boobsling. Am I right?


While Getting Your Mugshot Taken


Oh dear…inappropriate cleavage just screams guilty. Especially when it’s covered in tattoos and bruises. Like my grandma used to say…always carry a turtleneck with you when committing a crime. (Kidding Nana!)


At A Funeral


Just because it’s black doesn’t mean you should wear a bustier to Uncle Charlie’s wake. I know you wanna put the fun back in funeral…but there will be those in attendance who don’t know that you’re Uncle Charlie’s trampy niece. They’re gonna assume he had a stripper mistress. And hasn’t poor Aunt Sally been through enough already?


When you are on Sesame Street


Sure, Katy Perry's boobs have helped thousands boys realize they were becoming men, but there is such a thing as TOO SOON. The only naked chest kids should see is on felt monsters, OK?


At A Job Interview


Obviously cleavage is a good thing when you’re applying at Hooters or Pole Position Gentleman’s Club. Heck, go naked… they won’t care. But at a real job…well you may get hired but you will be fired the minute the boss’ wife comes in to meet him for a lunch date.


Picking Your Kids Up From School


It’s no fun when your main competition for a boy’s attention is your mom. So don’t do this to your daughter! Unless you want them to cry every night because all the boys want their mom, which leaves them feeling inadequate, so then they spend all their spare time doing useless bust increasing exercises they learned in a Judy Blume book. Trust me…I know. Because…um…it happened to a friend of mine?


At Church


What are you a modern-day Eve flashing those forbidden apples? The confessionals will be full after that service! Way to keep those biblical stereotypes of the evil temptress going!


When You Meet Your Boyfriend’s Parents


Such a lovely brunch! It seemed to go well…you and his dad really hit it off! Don’t be fooled by his father’s overly friendly demeanor though. His mother’s about to take you down.


At A Tea Party Rally


I’ll take your political movement seriously when you stop showing up dressed like a skanky Betsey Ross. And please stop calling your drunk boyfriend, who’s dressed like George Washington, the world’s hottest teabagger. I don’t want the father of our country and teabagging combined into one horrifying image in my mind EVER! Damn too late…

What are some other times it’s inappropriate for girls to show off their wares? Let us know in the comments!

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