Funny Articles

The Black Friday Deals I Was Dreaming Of

By  | 

I always want more out of Black Friday than retailers can offer me. When the bargains aren't life-changing, I just stay home, since I don't think it's worth it to go to a store at 5am and trample grandmas to death. That said, here are some deals that would have gotten me out shopping on Black Friday, grandmas be damned.


Seasons of Mad Men for either more or less than nine dollars


If you take twenty dollars off a fifty dollar season set of Mad Men, people are appreciative. But charge them nine dollars, as Best Buy did this Black Friday, and they start asking why you didn't just give it out for free. Make a choice Best Buy; the only thing consumers hate more than overpriced Blu-ray sets is indecision. It's like offering to share a pizza with your friends, but you're worried you can't afford it, so you ask everyone to throw in a quarter. Jesus Christ I was annoyed just typing that example.


30 percent off medium-sized clothing


Those who were smart and strong enough to not gorge themselves on Thanksgiving or any other day of the year deserve a reward. And pants with elastic waistbands need to cost double the day after Thanksgiving. We must do this if we are to call ourselves a society.


10 percent off books


Cheap books are great!


A Samsung Galaxy Tablet for free, I guess


Giving away the Samsung Galaxy tablet, or, as everyone who got it for Christmas last year calls it, "the wretched thing my mom got me because she couldn't find an iPad", is a win-win situation. Retailers get to clear out their Galaxy stock and I get something to prop up my wobbly kitchen table while I eat breakfast and read the news on my iPad.


Free reminder that everything is going to be okay with purchase


I want someone to talk to me, to comfort me, to let me know that despite my doubts, things are going to go okay for me. Black Friday is the only day of the year I can hope to afford that.


Everything 50 percent off


Who cares what it is? I just want to go to a store and grab products knowing that, when I throw my money at the sad 16 year old who misses his family on this holiday weekend, I will be throwing slightly less cash than I would have if I went any other day of the year. CONSUMERISM IS THE BEST!


Buy one blimp ride, get another blimp ride free!


The best thing in the world is getting in a giant balloon and riding around over the city! But the worst thing in the world is when that giant balloon ride comes to an end. On Black Friday, I was hoping for a deal that would ease that sting with another free blimp ride! Although, eventually that blimp ride would end too. I guess… everything ends sometimes. We make friends, get married, buy dogs, and for what? So we can move away, get divorced, and bury them too early. Everything must end, and all we can do to combat the ever-encroaching darkness is ride in blimps.

What Black Friday deals were you hoping for? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out How To Survive Black Friday!