China Invents Ice Cream That Doesn’t Melt?
For weeks, maybe even years now, here have been rumblings that the dessert engineers in China had come up with an ice cream that would not melt, even in direct sunlight. Obviously these rumors lead to someone from from RocketNews24 in Japan to investigate because a) Japan is the champ at inventing weird sh*t no one asked for and don't want any other nation stepping on their turf, and b) because there is literally nothing else in Japan to investigate.
"Still no Mothras today. Back to you in the studio."
RocketNews24's journey ended at a 7/11, um, in China, where they found the forever-solid ice cream, simply called "Banana". This boring title passes up a lot of opportunities for puns, such as "Lasting Apeel" or "Bananever Ends".
Christ puns are hard. I get it. Just call it "Banana".
So what was discovered? While the ice cream could sit in the sun for a few hours and not turn into a puddle, there is a pretty big asterisk to the whole "unmeltable" thing—the outside stays solid, but the vanilla core melts just like any other ice cream.
Basically just banana flavored cellophane.
You laugh now, but in the future, after the war, most of the food will probably be incinerated in the blasts from the high-tech, future bombs. These Banana ice cream treats may be the only food we have. And trust me, when you're spending your third night hunched over in a field, hoping the android patrol won't notice you, you'll be glad to have a solid yellow hunk of edible plastic full of vanilla ooze to keep you nourished.
"What I wouldn't give for some unmeltable ice cream. And a society."
Would you eat an ice cream that doesn't melt? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!