Chuck Norris Wants to Keep Gays Out of the Boy Scouts!
Were you ever in Boy Scouts? If so, you'll remember all the hikes, the roller-car derbies, the cake auctions for charity. I made a Batman cake that sold for fifteen dollars! To my dad! In any event, it was a great organization for young boys to be in. Unless they're gay. In that case, the Boy Scouts of America respectfully asks that you get right the f*ck out and go be weird somewhere else. Many are lobbying the Boy Scouts to change these practices, but the old guard sure as shootin' has a defender – Walker, Texas Ranger and internet star Chuck Norris.
I don't know… he does kick pretty high. Let's hear him out.
Writing for AmmoLand.com, Chuck Norris has penned an article asking if it's a coincidence that a Boy Scouts board member named James Turley has said he's working from within to change the Boy Scouts right around the same time the Obama administration has come out in support of gay marriage. He argues that Boy Scouts are as American as Apple Pie™ and Baseball™, and Obama can't go changin' this decades old policy! So this James Turley must'a been coerced – because "if two people think so much alike, you can bet that one person isn’t thinking." I would argue, of course, that sometimes people think alike because they're both nice.
"Hey John? What do you say we try to be nice from now on?"
Of course it's not a coincidence that James Turley and President Obama are getting on the same page about gay rights at the same time. That's like saying it's a coincidence everyone at a party started dancing at the same time. The music is on and they can read the temperature of a room. So what's the problem here? Is Chuck Norris against someone trying to convince someone else to believe in a cause?
If so, his persuasive essay isn't winning him any points.
This article relies on such weird reasoning it reminds me of being on the high school debate team. It's what we called "playing chess with a bird". When you playing chess with a person, you can kind of observe their moves and piece together what their strategy's going to be. When you play chess with a bird, they're moving rooks all over the place, taking two turns at a time, pecking kings and swallowing pawns. You have to figure out first what they're doing wrong before you can even start playing against them.
It's especially embarrassing when they attempt the Blackburne Shilling Mate.
So what is Chuck Norris actually getting at here? With the allusions to Apple Pie™ and Baseball™, Chuck Norris is invoking our deep-rooted sense of loyalty to country. The Boy Scouts are heavily tied to America, and we love America, so any change to the Boy Scouts is an affront to America. But the truth is, we often have to change the things we love – like racist grandparents and the first Spider-Man movie – because the times change. Now we realize it's not okay to scorn black women for marrying white men or to cut Gwen Stacy from Peter Parker's origin story.
We really are making progress as a society.
Our world is always evolving. The brave go along with it. The fearful fight against it. Chuck Norris is either afraid of people who are different or he's afraid the world is going to leave him behind. On either front, he shows himself to be a coward. And that is the exact opposite of how the internet saw him. What other meme has been less like their meme personality in real life? At least Hello This Is Dog was actually a dog. Chuck Norris isn't a badass. He can't beat ninjas or make gods cry. He's the sad guy who hears music at a party and is afraid to dance. Who keeps inviting him to these things?
Is it Mark? I'll bet it's Mark.
What do you think? Do the Boy Scouts need to evolve? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!