6 Crimes Our Most Moral Superheroes Are One Bad Day Away From Committing
We all have bad days, right? And sometimes, on those bad days, we do things we regret — yell at our friends, ignore work emails, leave animals in our cars with the windows up. But those are all small things that can be fixed with an apology or a good airing out. If we were superheroes, there could be great consequences to our actions. Here are some crimes our best and most moral superheroes might commit on a bad day.
Flash – Hurricanes
Since The Flash is always running on water — I guess just to prove he can — any simple change in direction can cause a flash flood. If he was having a particularly spiteful day, though, The Flash could EASILY cause a hurricane and wipe away our greatest cities. In fact, in the DC Universe, Hurricane Sandy was caused by The Flash getting the wrong order at Del Taco. Of course, in the real world, Hurricane Sandy was was caused by America's hedonism.
Superman – Complete and utter world domination
Humanity got REAL lucky when Superman crashed on the Kent farm and was raised to love the world, because if he wanted to, he could RULE THE WORLD. And it would be SUPER EASY FOR HIM. It would take Superman as long to laser-eye the entire military as it would take you to read an article in the New York Times. So, you know, maybe twenty minutes, depending on how interested he was.
Hawkeye – regular human crimes
Perhaps petty theft, or contempt of court. Who gives a sh*t what Hawkeye does he's just some guy.
Martian Manhunter – identity theft
When you're in debt as deeply as the Martian Manhunter, it's actively difficult NOT to shape-shifting into a rich Wall Street tycoon and emptying his bank account into yours. Unfourtunately, just LOOKING like someone isn't enough to gain access to their finances, especially without an ID, social security number, or any sort of personal information whatsoever. Martian Manhunter just ends up smiling and trying to flirt with the teller. Unsuccessfully.
See, it's that lack of long-term planning that got Martian Manhunter into debt in the first place.
Batman – SO much homicide
Hey guys? You know Batman is just, like, one wrong look away from straight-up murdering everyone he sees, right? Batman is basically repeating "don't kill anyone" to himself EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. If he gets distracted from that mantra, someone is going to die. So if some Thursday Batman's favorite podcast doesn't update and he finds himself on edge, don't be surprised if Gotham suddenly has a one hundred percent murder rate.
Spider-Man – petty high school crimes
We must never forget that Spider-Man is a stupid teenager and, in the event of a moral lapse, would only be capable of doing stupid teenager crap. So movie theater employees will have to start checking the ceiling for people sneaking in without tickets and gas station owners would have to figure out how to keep their behind the counter Hustler magazines safe from webbing.
What crimes are you one bad day away from committing? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!