Dating Tips from Spider-Man Villains!
Listen, dating is hard, and no one knows this better than Spider-Man. I've always felt like I could relate to him, you know. But now, after four films, it seems like the Peter Parker method of getting the girl is to just think of yourself as a piece of human garbage until you can impress her with superpowers. I've done as much of that as I'm capable of – Now I'd like to hear from some other characters in the Spider-Man universe. More specifically, his rouges gallery. Here is some dating advice from Spider-Man villains:
"Girls aren't as impressed by hoverboards as you think. There are always like six Goblins at every bar you go to."
"Try a hello and compliment first. Don't open with the 'grabbing her face and lifting her off the ground' thing."
Instead of giving any advice, Carnage just kept insisting we go do shots at his place.
"You look creepy if you don't take off your coat."
Mm. Yeah. There you go. Mm. Lookin' good.
Doc Ock didn't have any advice to give because no one can ever get him to come out. What a f*ckin nerd.
"Go up to girls and just yell at the top of your lungs 'BOOOOOOOOOOOOMERANG'. Try it. You're just out at a club, you be all 'BOOOOOOOOOOOOMERANG' and you'll see. It works. BOOOOOOOOOOOOMERANG. See? Now you're into me."
And he's right. I was into him.
"You only gonna get girls with pieces of flair man. It's called peacocking! Try wearin' a bright yellow cape and a goddamn gold fish bowl on your head. That'll give her something to talk about right away when they meet you! Women are dumb objects you see! they're basically not people!"
Ohh. I always wondered how someone as ineffective as Mysterio became a Spider-Man villain. But now I get it. It's the misogyny.
Which Spider-Man villain gave the best advice? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!