Dinosaurs I Want to Give the Commencement Address at my College
Do you know who's going to be the speaker at my college graduation next week? Chris Kirkpatrick from N*Sync. Can you believe it? I'm graduating from MIT, with a degree in Polymer Science and Technology, and my commencement speech is going to be read by Chris Kirkpatrick from N*Sync. I would much rather have dinosaurs give my commencement address. But which ones? That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
I feel like I'd learn so much from life from a tyrannosaurus. Like, my arms are huge, I'm barely an apex predator, and I don't know how to devour anyone! It's like, I spent so much money on this degree and what do I have to show for it, you know?
"The best offense is a good defense," I imagine a stegosaurus telling my graduating class. "And the best defense is a set of plates along your back." See, then I would have known the best defense, and that could make all the difference in my future career.
Listen, the goddamn pterodactyl can fly. There's no way you're not getting an inspirational speech from this guy, especially since my graduating class' quote was "soar into the future like a pterodactyl." That's a thing colleges do, right? Have class mottos?
I just remember the Triceratops was the Blue ranger's dinosaur in Power Rangers, and the Blue Ranger was the smartest ranger. I went to college to be smart, so… I think you see where I'm going with this. I want to hear a college commencement speech about Power Rangers.
The Brachiosaurus was known as the world's largest dinosaur when it was first discovered because, at the time, it was. At the time. Now, that title belongs to the Ultrasaurus and the Brachiosaurus is not really the best dinosaur at anything. Look, I'm setting my sights realistically here, I didn't go to the best college.
A velociraptor would teach all of us how to be strong, how to be aggressive, and how to destroy even those bigger than yourself. These are all things I need to learn if I'm going to succeed out in the real world, especially since my dad left when I was two and I cry in the bathroom stalls for an hour a day.
What kind of dinosaur do you want giving your commencement address? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!