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Early Reviews Call ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Literally the Greatest Film Ever Made

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I am doing absolutely everything in my power to avoid Dark Knight Rises spoilers. I don't want to know who Joseph Gordon Levitt is really playing. I don't want to know what the new Bat-vehicle is going to be. I'd even prefer not to know who the villain is! I honestly wish I could see this movie through the eyes of my Alzheimer's-ridden grandfather.

batman dark knight rises
"Who's this feller in the cape now?"

But today, my duties as a writer for SMOSH are forcing me to read information on The Dark Knight Rises because the embargo on reviews was lifted on Sunday and it is the goddamn only thing the internet is talking about. Seriously, nothing else is happening. Nobody was cast in the new Hunger Games movie. Apple doesn't have anything new to talk about. Hell, not even Justin Bieber did anything ridiculous yesterday. I swear to God, if I accidentally spoil anything Dark Knight Rises-related for myself while researching this story I'm going to be so angry at Justin Bieber.

bieber glasses
To be honest, I was probably going to be super angry at Justin Bieber anyway.

All that said, if I am going to know anything about Dark Knight Rises, I'm glad it's this— the early reviews all seem to imply that it's really, really good. "Big-time Hollywood filmmaking at its most massively accomplished" says Todd McCarthy of the Hollywood Reporter. "Emotional, epic and entertaining, this is the end you've been waiting for" wrote James Mottram of The List. "The crowning achievement of the Batman trilogy and the biggest, best, most exciting Batman of them all" declared Scott Mantz of Access Hollywood. And Roger Ebert didn't even submit a review because the movie literally made his brain explode.

exploding head
He did mention the second act drags a little, though.

There's even been talk that The Dark Knight Rises may finally get Christopher Nolan's Batman some Academy Award love. And sure, that seems premature, but remember that the Academy's decision to nominate more than five films for Best Picture is usually attributed to the fact that in 2008 there wasn't room in the category for The Dark Knight. And it was some real madness that The Dark Knight wasn't nominated that year, too. Do you know what was nominated? The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Milk. The goddamn Reader. FROST/ NIXON. Jesus Christ FROST/NIXON was nominated over The Dark Knight— a film that featured two men talking in a room. So that means that people thought this conversation:

frost nixon
"Buhh, I didn't… Watergate… anybody."

… was better than this conversation:

batman joker interrogation
"You know, you and me? We're basically metaphors for EVERYTHING."

I'm just going to say it. I think the Academy Awards are not as relevant as they could be.

How stoked are you for The Dark Knight Rises? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out 7 FAKE Dark Knight Rises spoilers!