6 Easy-to-Make Meals That Prove You’re a Psychopath
It can be hard to figure out what to make for dinner. Anything labor-intensive feels like a hassle, but you also don’t want to deal with a dinner that turns out disgusting. So if you’re in a bind, make any of the meals in this article and you’ll thank me later. Also I know your friends think you’re kind of a psycho but I know you’re cool. Let’s start cooking then!
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Two slices of bread. Spread jelly on one slice. Spread peanut butter on the other. Lick the extra spread off your fingers. Uh oh, some got on the table. You lick that too. You keep licking until your apartment is moist with your spit. Gross! You’re licking everything!
Crack between two and four eggs in a bowl and whip with a fork until they’re a solid yellow. Pour the contents into a heated pan and stir until fully cooked. Plate the eggs. You just let them sit there. You stare at them. Slowly you place the stringy pieces on your face until you are covered. “Am I pretty now?!” you scream. No you’re not, ya weirdo!
Lightly toast a slice of wholegrain bread. Scoop out an avocado and mash the meat in a bowl with a fork. Add lemon juice and salt for taste. Spread the avocado on the toast. Slice the bread in half. Slice again. Keep slicing. Avocado mash flies in your face. There are too many pieces now. What are you doing? Stop slicing! Look at your self!! This has to stop!
Mac & cheese
Boil noodles. Drain pot. Add powdered cheese and milk. Mix well. It makes the worlds most disgusting half kissy half gurgling noise. You keep mixing it. That noise is disgusting. Enough. Enough! You’re sick! You must be stopped!
Take two tortillas. Add a handful of shredded cheese to one tortilla. Lightly sauté some onions and peppers in a pan (and whatever protein you prefer) and pile them on the tortilla. Add one more handful of shredded cheese and top with the second tortilla. Cook evenly at medium heat. When it starts to burn, take it off. It’s burning. Why are you just watching the smoke rise? You’re gonna set this whole place on fire! You want to watch it burn? You’re a monster!
Unwrap store-bought crust. Spread tomato sauce evenly on crust. Add a few handfuls of shredded Mozzarella cheese. Add toppings. Put it in the oven until… hold on, why is that sauce so thin? And it tastes like… metal? Oh my god that’s human blood! Who did you kill? It’s your blood? I’m going to vomit. That’s not food, that’s self-cannibalism! I can’t keep teaching you to cook. Aw god, you sick freak! Just get take out from now on!
I tried to widen your culinary spectrum, but clearly you should not be in the kitchen. Grubhub or Postmates — those are your options. Just don’t order liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. If you want to earn my trust again, give me feedback on Twitter @bjrainstein!