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Epic Summer Movies (They’ll Never Make)

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Some summer movies don’t get released because of cost, creative differences or the fact that they’re not a sequel or a superhero film. But some never see the light of day for even better reasons.


Tell No One


Movie Pitch: A man stumbles upon classified information that if leaked could have dire consequences for both his family and the world. Unfortunately, his need to be the center of attention—plus his addiction to texting, Twitter, Facebook and simply shouting on random street corners—ensures everyone knows both his secret as well as his precise location (thanks to Foursquare), resulting in 1100 deaths within the film’s first ten minutes.


How Much?!


Movie Pitch: Few monster movies show the monster actually winning. Even fewer show the monster winning because no one can afford to fight it. Citing a worsening recession, severe budget cuts and the fact no one has yet to make reusable missiles, the nations of the world collectively give up and say, “Oh well. We’ve had a good run.” Then we spend the rest of the movie watching the monster lay waste to all of humanity as people are unable to flee because of the high price of gas.


Go Get the Ball! Go Get the Ball!


Movie Pitch: The New England Midwesterners were the worst football team in NFL history. Until a Scottish terrier who inherited $14 million from a crazy old lady buys them out. The team is quickly whipped into shape as the new owner demands “walkies” every 15 minutes and humps the leg of every damn player who enters the locker room. But then the terrier becomes the team’s new quarterback. Can a dog with no athletic experience, a litter of puppies on the way and a small bladder win the big game? No, of course not.


The Greening


Movie Pitch: It’s eco-terrorism from the ground up as the vegetables come alive to seek revenge thanks to some truly effective Miracle-Gro. In addition to eating people, the vegetables also assume political power (mostly through smear campaigns) and get access to all our launch codes (courtesy of Twitter). But just as all seems lost the tables turn in the most graphic, violent, brutal salad-making scene to ever eat up 80 minutes of screen time.


Unspectacular Boy


Movie Pitch: What happens when all the well-known superheroes have already been optioned for movies? You get the story of Timmy, a third-grader who mistakes static electricity as a superpower transfer from the gods or the carpet industry. Can he lift an 18-wheeler without snapping his spine like a twig? No. Can he dive off an 80-story building without going a good three feet into the concrete? No. Can he withstand a thrashing from an elderly shopper on the supermarket line? No. In the end Timmy gives up the superhero life for the woman in his life—his mom—who pleads him to stop because the family can no longer afford his medical bills.


I’m Only One Man


Movie Pitch: Meet Jack McClellan, the world’s first clinically depressed action hero. Jack spends most of his day—and almost the entire movie—in bed, on the couch or in a fetal position. Sometimes he morosely chews on some dried toast. Or watches a “Simpsons” episode. Or starts to get dressed but then thinks “Why bother?” and so mopes around his apartment with only one pants leg on. The movie ends with Jack refusing to return any calls from friends of the U.N. as the bad guys seize control of the moon.




Movie Pitch: She’s a go-getting Homo sapien who wants to eat, sleep and live to see 20. He’s a slacker Neanderthal who only wants to eat, sleep and survive to be 19. But when their eyes meet—and they realize neither is food—they experience a love deeper than that for a sharp rock or foot covering. Yes, opposites attract in this prehistoric romantic comedy that proves love transcends both time and a mild flu that wipes out 98% of the supporting cast.


Disneynature: Bed Bugs


Movie Pitch: Having released heartwarming nature documentaries about African cats and oceans, Disney now tells the touching, true-life story of bloodsucking parasites so disgusting that no one wants to get close enough to a bed to actually film them. Instead, most of the film is shot at a great distance in a NYC studio apartment as the film crew utters things like, “They’re not gonna jump on me, are they? ” “Oh god. Oh god! I’m itchy! I’m ITCHY!” and “How much are they paying for this craphole of an apartment in Manhattan anyway?”


When Darkness Accidentally Falls

Movie Pitch: What’s scarier than the dark? Nothing in this horror film in which the lens cap was accidentally left on for the duration of the shoot. What made that spooky sound? Who’s that talking? Where is this film taking place? Why was this movie still released? How do you get your money back? All these and many more chilling mysteries are sure to raise your neck hairs and boil your blood as you realize you paid $20 to see this in both IMAX and 3-D.




Movie Pitch: From the people who brought you “Cars” and “Cars 2: Was The First Cars Really That Good Enough to Call for a Sequel” comes this next big Pixar hit. A lonely hearse meets an ambulance with a poor sense of direction who always brings her passengers to his funeral home because she doesn’t reach the hospital in time. Together these two crazy kids/cars/whatever make their way along with a chorus of corpses, an evil Medevac helicopter who only wants to cure people and a zombie apocalypse that threatens to undo the funeral home industry. It all gets resolved in the cheery, lighthearted sequel, “Hearses 2: Dead Serious.”

Would you pay to see any of these?

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