Funny Articles

Everyday Things That Are Secretly Killing You

By  | 

It’s a wild world out there, filled with things that are looking to kill you. Some of those things may be incredibly obvious, but other potentially deadly things are much more difficult to see. But I’m here to help, because I’ve done a lot of research into this stuff, and I’ve uncovered some activities you will probably be shocked to discover may be killing you…

Being thrown into a meat grinder

If you’re anything like me, it’s hard to resist the massaging properties of being ground up in a giant meat grinder. But DID YOU KNOW that having your body mashed into pulp, and then squeezed out through many holes until you’re just a pile of ground meat is actually physically bad for you? IN FACT, the human brain is not made to function when it and every other part are just ground into one single mass.

Driving off a cliff

If you’re anything like me, you spend a little too much time in your car, so naturally you’re always looking for a short cut. Enter… the cliff! Instead of going slowly along whatever winding road works its way through your local becliffed area, you can simply drive off the edge and down to the street below. Talk about a short cut! But DID YOU KNOW when you car hits the ground after being driven off said cliff, the odds that it will have a soft landing are almost nil? IN FACT, the car will almost certainly smash into the ground below, possibly even exploding! Better wear your seat belt, lol.

Dysentery

If you’re anything like me, it’s never not the right time to start getting ready for swimsuit season. Can you think of a better way to lose weight than to drink unclean food or water, so that you get some serious dysentery? I know I can’t. But DID YOU KNOW if you are constantly diarrhea-ing, your body cannot, in fact, get any nutrients from the food you’re putting into it? IN FACT, those nutrients are incredibly important if you want to remain a living person, meaning you can’t just fire them out of your ass within a few minutes of having ingested them.

Drowning in a pool

If you’re anything like me, you get tired of just filling your lungs with oxygen all the time. Variety is the spice of life, so you figure you’ll breath some water for a little bit. Obviously the best way to do that is to let yourself sink to the bottom of a pool. I mean, imagine drowning yourself in a sink — now THAT’S ridiculous. But DID YOU KNOW that water is not actually meant to be in your lungs? IN FACT, drowning will actually deprive your brain of oxygen, meaning it will shut down, along with every other function in your body.

Playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver

If you’re anything like me, you find the idea of Russian Roulette fun, but with only one bullet in the revolver, the odds of winning aren’t very high. So, you think, why not just put a bullet in each chamber? That way you’re guaranteed a good time on every single pull of the trigger. But DID YOU KNOW that this will actually result in a bullet being propelled at a very high speed, directly into your temple, and probaly through your brain? IN FACT, pulling the trigger on any loaded gun is an excellent way to fire a bullet at an incredibly high speed. Live and learn.

Wandering around a nuclear reactor while bare-ass naked

If you’re anything like me, you love taking a stroll inside of one of man’s greatest and most terrifying technological developments: the nuclear reactor! If countries have a right to develop this technology to provide their citizens electricity, then surely you have the right to wander around naked inside of one of them. But DID YOU KNOW this is a good way to get exposed to extremely high levels of radiation which can be very dangerous? IN FACT, radiation has killed many people.

Time

If you’re like me, you are aging. But DID YOU KNOW time comes for us all? IN FACT, literally no one has ever lived forever. Not even close.

Welp, there goes my Thursday night.

comments