Funny Articles

Fiona Apple is a TIME TRAVELER

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Everybody always says we'll never invent time travel because if we did, we'd start to see time travellers coming back to tell us of the future. Well, a) the time traveleres don't remember time travelers making national news in their time so they know not to make national news in our time and b) they don't have time to reveal themselves as time-travelers because they're too busy writing Grammy award-winning songs. We got our first hint of this recently when Adele spoke of the break-up that inspires her songwriting.

adele wins grammy future
"Let's just say 2026 was a hard year for me. I mean, 2010. That's a year that's happened, right?"

But the evidence that time travelers are returning to the past to write music piles up! In an interview with Spin magazine, singer Fionna Apple says "I sometimes think that I must time travel and not remember it… I can’t remember writing any of the songs I’ve written. I don’t know what the hell I do with myself. I feel like I’m 100 years old."

This is probably the place to say that Fiona Apple probably doesn't literally think she's time traveling and that this is just a symptom of working too hard or doing drugs or having a new album to promote. Okay, now that that's out of the way…

fiona apple time traveling

It sounds like Apple is experiencing a Slaughterhouse Five kind of time travel – where her mind is the only part of her that's time-traveling. These memory blackouts are when her future consciousness is traveling backwards and overtaking her present consciousness. This means that anything Future Fiona Apple does in the past won't cause a paradox because when Present Fiona Apple regains consciousness whatever Future Fiona Apple has done will have already happened. This avoids any messy time travel paradoxes like running into a second version of herself or accidentally banging her mom.

marty mcfly mom
PICTURED: A damn disgrace to time travelers.

It sounds like Future Fiona Apple did what anyone would do if they had the ability to time travel – take credit in the past for something invented in the future. In this case, it was probably that song "Paper Bag", because that song is great. But if that song came out in 2000, and Future Fiona Apple went back in time to give it to Past Fiona Apple, who wrote the song in the first place? Remember, Future Fiona Apple had been hearing "Paper Bag" on the radio for years. Where did it come from? Has that song always existed? It had to start somewhere, right? But it didn't! Those lyrics just travel back in time endlessly, being repeated again and again, never written but always known! Fiona Apple this method of time travel was supposed to avoid paradoxes!

Oh well. Once the laws of the universe are shattered, you've just got to find the best in the new reality the fracture in the universe has created.

new timeline
Here's me and my grandma, taking in the sights of our new timeline.

What do you think is the genesis of Fiona Apple's "Paper Bag"? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out the Top Ten Uses for Time Travel!