6 Foods They Probably Didn’t Need To Make “Pumpkin Spiced”
By now you’ve seen or heard about the new Pumpkin Spice Oreos.
You’ve probably also given up fighting the now unstoppable onslaught of pumpkin-spice, opting to just consume the constant flavor of autumn. But even as society bows down to the orange gourd, erecting mountain-high statues and founding religions on its behalf, there are still some things that simply should not come in “pumpkin spice” flavor.
You expect a few things when you bite into a potato chip — salt, or maybe the taste of cheddar or sour cream ‘n onion. But you do not expect the image of the Great Pumpkin being hurled screaming into a fry vat by a despondent Linus who has forsaken his God. Of course, that may not be the exact image you have when biting into a Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice chip, but since you’re already eating chips from a re-purposed tennis ball can, the least they could do is taste like the compressed swept-from-the-factory-floor potato shavings you paid for.
Two of the biggest food sensations in recent memory — pumpkin spice and Greek yogurt — join forces for a super-trend food that just needs the words “gluten free” and “kale” to assume full control of the foodie fad universe. And while “pumpkin spice Greek yogurt” may indeed taste perfectly fine, the question remains — just how many buzzword descriptors do people need on their food before they’re simply shoveling adjectives into their mouths? That said, Cap’n Crunch Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt cereal would probably sell very well, so long as the mascot is a pumpkin shotgunning ouzo.
For those who use a blue crayon to see the color purple or put gloves on their hands so their feet won’t get cold comes a snack to short-out taste receptors. Sure, there are chocolate-covered raisins, but to bite into an almond for the taste of pumpkin is like chomping down on a chili dog to enjoy the taste of green papaya salad.
Rather than adding pumpkin spice to a burger, Japan’s Burger King simply said “Screw it” and added slice after slice of fried pumpkin to their BK Pumpkin. They they topped it off with a bun reportedly made to resemble a pumpkin’s color and shape, but the above image proves that not everyone has visited a farm or ever been awake during fall.
At long last, someone has combined “candy corn” with “Halloween”. After all, until now, Candy Corn has been known as THE candy of Fourth of July. That is, when we’re not using it to decorate our Christmas trees. Or greeting our moms with a whole bowl of it come Mother’s Day morn. Or using it as a cheap alternative to dental implants. Or just throwing it out by the fistful the moment it falls into our hands.
By the time you read this you will be drinking pumpkin-spiced coffee and eating pumpkin-spiced Oreos and searing your eyes with pumpkin-spiced contact lenses. So why should your dog be left out? Sure, dogs will eat anything you shove in their mouths, but maybe what they want more than anything between September and November is pumpkin spice that also fights tooth decay. That way, the two of you can both wear Jack-o’-lanterns as you prepare for war against the holiday peppermint people.
Which one was your favorite? Let me know in the comments!