Funny Articles

8 Forgotten Smurfs

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We all remember Grouchy and Greedy and Lazy and Dopey (oh wait, that last one is from a different group of little men). But what about all those other Smurfs no one can recall thanks to their poor behavior or the show’s wise program editing? Here's a few of the best or should I say worst?


1. Hoarder Smurf

Need a copy of “The Smurf Times” from 1956? Looking for 300 coffee cup lids? Wonder what a home packed with 17 years worth of Hellmann’s Mayo packets smells like? Then simply look to Hoarder Smurf, the Smurf who went completely mad the moment he started assigning emotional value to empty tuna cans. Ultimately evicted from his home when it was condemned—by rats, no less—Hoarder was tossed into an asylum, where Psychiatrist Smurf successfully diagnosed that all of Hoarder’s problems started the moment he was named “Hoarder.”


2. Hippie Smurf

The only Smurf who refused to say “smurf”—or bathe—Hippie Smurf lived life to the beat of a different drum. A drum that he repeatedly played morning through night while picketing every single Smurf business over their environmental, hiring and flaxseed oil practices. Unwilling to be named after a job (that he never held) or a single character trait (one that could best be described as “patchouli-ish”), Hippy abandoned the village altogether to open up his own ice cream store under his and his brother’s names “Ben & Jerry.”


3. Pituitary Smurf

Standing at 6’1”, Pituitary Smurf was far too tall to live in a Smurf toadstool house, hang out with fellow Smurfs or even wear Smurf pants, resulting in a tall, homeless blue naked guy wandering around the woods muttering “smurf” to himself. After accidentally consuming every single smurfberry in existence for a midday snack—and scaring the crap out of an unsuspecting Gargamel– Pituitary left the Smurfs for good and joined a touring company of Blue Man Group.


4. Gambler Smurf

Although the idea of a Smurf owing 46 large to some less-than-understanding squirrels sounded like a good story arc, showing grade-schoolers a little blue guy losing both his thumbs and use of his knees proved very problematic indeed. Desperate, Gambler Smurf tried to make up for his loses through a massive pyramid scheme that single-handedly crippled the entire Smurf economy, forcing the species to abandon their nice, spacious suburban homes and move into some mushrooms in the middle of nowhere, no longer able to afford shirts.


5. Drama Class Smurf

Meet the Smurf who always wore a long feathery pink boa, even during swim class, always slow danced to music playing only in her head and when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up replied, “Nora from ‘A Doll’s House.’” Brash yet bereft of social skills, Drama Class Smurf liked to spend her days believing that fame wasn’t just a goal but an actual profession, that even French fries need provocative back stories and that the whole world was her audience, even when everybody was making damn sure to look in the opposite direction.


6. Frat Smurf

Never without a beer in his hand and some dried vomit on his shoes, Frat Smurf could be identified by his faded white baseball cap, a t-shirt that featured the only three Greek letters he could identify and a shape that one can only get from a diet subsisting entirely of cheese-smothered food groups. The first Smurf to introduce STDs into Smurf Village, he is also the only creature on the planet to have ever flunked out of a Communications Degree program. Unskilled and unfocused, Frat regularly threatened or intimidated his fellow Smurfs…until Vanity Smurf beat him within an inch of his life.


7. Zombie Smurf

The downside to having an undead Smurf became apparent in the first two minutes of  the pilot episode, when all the Smurfs got infected and began a bloody rampage disemboweling and digesting every single living creature throughout Europe. This led to army helicopters having to burn the entire Smurf species to ash, all before a TV commercial for Duplo Blocks. Fortunately, the pilot was re-shot and recast, with “Festering Moving Torso Smurf” and “Oh Dear God, That Severed Head Is Still Blinking Smurf” renamed “Papa” and “Brainy.”


8. Paulie Smurf

The only Smurf to take both a bullet and controlling interest in his town’s sanitation and highway maintenance sectors, Paulie always had one hand on a stogie, the other on his crotch and a third buried somewhere in his backyard, the result of a business transaction gone horribly awry. Paulie was quick with a joke, a sizeable loan or a threat so cold and calculated it could drain the blood from Azrael’s face. Unfortunately, his bold antics often put him at odds with censors, family advocacy groups and—none too surprisingly—both the Yakuza and Russian mobs, resulting in his still unsolved disappearance.

Who's your favorite forgotten Smurf? Are you planning on seeing The Smurfs? Let us know in the comments!


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