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What To Do If You’ve Just Got a Punchable Face

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I’ve never really been one for “fighting” (otherwise known as “me getting my ass beat”). Hell, I’m not a big fan of fighting GAMES, if you catch my drift (you should catch it, I have explicitly outlined what I meant previously.) That’s why I feel blessed to have the kind of demeanor that somehow helps me avoid getting hit, despite the fact that, as many of you have pointed out in the comments over the years, I am an asshole. But if you’re the type of person with a… highly punchable face, I have some tips that I think might be helpful. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Wear glasses, even if you don’t need them


You’re familiar with the old saying (well, more of a simpering plea than a “saying”) “You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses”? Hopefully that little bit of sympathy will override the other impulse the person is having, which is to punch your face.

Get really good at kissing


Unless you are asexual (no hate, all the love in the world to all the ace people), odds are good you’re going to want to get romantic with people, punchable face or not. But kissing seems like an especially risky play, since you’re going to be putting your face, which is just crying out to be punched, so close to theirs. That means you’d better be so good at kissing that it manages to override their desire to knock your brains out of your skull.

Develop an incredibly hard face


They’ll never see it coming when they break their hand on your face.

Start wearing offensive t-shirts


As I mentioned above, getting punched in the head is extremely dangerous. While it’s not great to get punched anywhere you’re still better off taking a hard shot to the body. That’s why you should get some T-shirts with images and/or catchphrases that are so offensive, you’ll direct most of the punches that you’ll be taking to that chest area instead of your delicate, punchable head.

Wear a helmet


Yes, a punch to the head can cause severe physical trauma, but another source of trauma can be your head smashing into the pavement after you have been knocked unconscious. That’s why you should wear a little bit of extra brain-protection.

Now, I’m not saying you should just give up and get punched, but I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with acknowledging the strong possibility that you are going to get punched.

I’ll be honest… I want to punch you.