Grade School Lunches That Would Make Me Yak as an Adult

By  | 

Lunch is the under-appreciated meal. We all owe it a major apology for putting it a distant third behind breakfast and dinner. But I haven’t always been like this. I, too, was once a disrespectful little ingrate who once ate meals undeserving of lunch. In fact, the lunches I ate as a young school boy were– well, let’s just say I couldn’t stomach them as an adult. At all. Because these school lunches were disgusting. I ate trash lunches. LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT I MEAN!!!



Boy oh boy, Lunchables have really cornered the “somehow making crackers, meat, and cheese all taste the same and also have the same texture” market. And that is not a market I’m interested in.

Two-Liter bottle of Coke & a giant Snickers bar


I would buy a two-liter bottle of Coke and just chug that thing in-between classes unless it was Friday, in which case we were allowed to chug soda with impunity during class. That’s the kind of perks my teachers had to give my class to motivate us, as we were insanely badly-behaved. Maybe it was all the sugar we consumed? Anyhow, the Snickers bar is what would push me over the top. It was so sickly sweet that I honestly don’t remember enjoying it by the time I was finished?

White bread & processed lunch meat


The standard school lunch sandwich is now the most nauseating thing I could maybe imagine. That slimy lunch meat, that stale white bread that is also loaded with sugar… I’m not some huge food snob now, but I at least know the joys of real bread and deli meat that didn’t come out of a package that was vacuum sealed three months ago.

The biggest bag of salt & vinegar chips


Looking back, there was perhaps an easy explanation as to why my tongue was always white and incapable of tasting flavor, and that explanation is that I was often eating nothing all day other than a giant bag of salt and vinegar chips. You know what’s crazy about consuming that much salt and/or vinegar? It’s not enjoyable by the time you get to the end of it, but oh baby is that first half ever incredible.

Nothing at all, all day


If I do not eat something by lunch as an adult, I will die. I’ll be moody, tired, and exceedingly lazy. But when I was in grade school? I’d go the whole day without eating anything, because I would just forget????? Now, that would be as nuts as forgetting to breathe.

Eat well, kids. Eat well.