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Guide To The Worst Types Of Jocks

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Being good at sports in high school can give you confidence and improve your status. However, people who can’t throw a baseball 20 feet or jump higher than a fire hydrant have to resort to working hard and actually forming a good personality. The following list of people are those who will inevitably face arrested development when they come to the sad realization that high school does not define who you are for the rest of your life.


8. Football Jocks

Not only are these jocks physically imposing, they are also the most popular kids around, so even if they just plain ignore you it can lead to you being ostracized from school. If you are in the marching band or the glee club, my advice to you is always be aware of the team’s record and their next opponent in order to stay on their good side.


7. Baseball Jocks

Watch out, because some of these jocks play football as well. Even though they are the least physically imposing of all jocks, they make up for it with a smug sense of entitlement. After all, baseball is as American as apple pie and if you don’t know how to throw a baseball, they can sense it.


6. Hockey Jocks

The typical hockey jock already has a chip on his shoulder because, in most parts of this country, hockey is a terribly unpopular sport. By playing a bizarre Canadian game, these meat heads are the geeks of the sporting world. They usually can be spotted by their long hair, death metal t-shirts and overt homophobia.


5. Lacrosse Jocks

Lacrosse jocks are basically Hockey jocks with no real athleticism or talent. No disrespect to Lacrosse fans out there, I’m sure being thuggish and strong matters, however nobody cares so deal with it. Rich kids from the Northeast basically play this game because they can be violent yet still focus on school work and SAT prep classes. Fun fact: the sport itself was invented as a networking opportunity for future loan officer douche bags.


4. Soccer Jocks

Soccer bros are dirt, because at first you think they are your friends, but it’s just a ploy to sleep with your girlfriend. These pretty-boys can have any girl they want, yet they only want other people’s girlfriends. I don’t know why, but it’s a fact. At first they are cool – maybe you help one of them with his calculus homework and pretend you like Jack Johnson so he will keep inviting you to parties… next thing you know he’s out eating orange slices and drinking Capri Suns with your girl!


3. Cross Country “Jocks”

Don’t think that just because you have a letter on your jacket that you are a jock. You are NOT! 90% of all 16 year old kids have the stamina, health and metabolism to run cross country and be successful, that doesn’t mean they all do it. You’re not a jock if your group of friends still eats lunch in the back of school by the auto-shop.


2. Golf Jocks

Everyone on the Golf team thinks they are sooooo special because their parents could afford to pay the extra $1,000 that got them their own page in the yearbook, letting everyone know about the Ivy League school they were accepted to. You may learn a lot at Harvard, but you won’t learn how to not be a douche.


1. Wrestler Jocks

The wrestler jock is the worst type of jock because even the small, 125 lbs ones know they can physically dominate you. On top of that they are always moody because of the weight-cutting, ring worm and seasonal anorexia. Even in adulthood it’s hard to trust anybody who spent their ‘good years’ rolling around with a bunch of sweaty dudes.

So there you have it. As you can see, most who made this list are people who harass you in high school, and end up working for you after college. Maybe some of them will go on to be bartenders at the local pub, or stay in high school and become the creepy girl’s volleyball coach or Sex Ed teacher. Of course there are many sports stars who ARE decent people and parlay their mediocre skills into networking opportunities, becoming very successful people… however, this article isn’t about them and we can hate on them later.

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