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Best Way to Have a Safe-Ass Cinco De Mayo

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Guys, Cinco de Mayo is this Saturday, originally meant to celebrate the victory of the Mexican Army at the Battle of Puebla, but nowadays mainly an excuse to get blisteringly drunk and parrrrrrrrty! But remember that where celebration is, danger lurks, and you know how we worry about you. That’s why we wanted to bring you five ways that you — yes, YOU — can have a safe-ass Cinco de Mayo, my dudes!

Play some radically safe games!

safe cinco games

You might be looking to play some Beer Pong or Flip Cup or King’s Cup or any other iteration of cup-based games. Hell, even if you’re choosing to abstain from the devil’s favorite juice, you may be inclined to play the culturally-iffy game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey! But those thumbtacks are serious business, and you could prick yourself something fierce, and it could even get infected! Why not invest in some gnarly adhesive, and we can all be-tail our burros in safety!

Be tubularly sober, or soberly tubular!

safe cinco sober

There are tons of colorful cocktails with which you could wet your whistle on the 5th of May, but you could also consider being a designated driver! Just throw some plastic down over the interior of your car and be prepared for them to throw up inside that bad boy. Then, you can bust your buddies’ chops for years over how ding-dang silly they were.

Say adios to pathogens!

safe cinco food

You can enjoy some pretty scrumptious Mexican delicacies on Cinco de Mayo, but if that food isn’t prepared right, Montezuma’s Revenge will be the least of your worries! And remember, don’t overeat! If you shove the good stuff down your gullet until you’re full, you’re gonna have a BAD TIME, and we’re all just tryna party, right?

Please, for the love of God, don’t play with fireworks

safe cinco fireworks

Guys,I am dead serious: fireworks will blow your limbs clean off. I know we’ve been having a fun time laughin’ and goofin’ here, but fireworks are not worth the risk.

Have your fiesta en su casa!

safe cinco home

PAAAAAAARTY PEOPLEEEEEEEEE!!! We’re all just havin’ a good time! There’s a lot of danger just chillin’ out in them streets and in the bars, so why not make your own house the talk of the town? Just be sure to throw some of those rubber pads on any sharp corners in the house. People fall down a lot on Cinco de Mayo, and we don’t want any concussions like last year.

Does safety always come first for you? Let me know on Twitter!