5 Historical Weapons That Totally Overdid It
By now, we’ve spoken at length about the various silly ways that you can kill people in the digital world — there’s no end to the pixelated havoc you can wreak in video games. But of course, nowhere are there sillier, more completely over-the-top weapons than in meatspace. And so, here are five historical weapons that completely overdid it.
Used by the Vietcong back in that war that your uncle always talks about, punji sticks were a particularly nasty breed of trap sprung on enemies. Brush or foliage would cover a hole in the ground, where unfortunate passers-by would fall in and impale themselves on sharpened bamboo. If they weren’t killed instantly, things would get downright sh*tty (the brilliance of that line is about to be revealed, so strap in). These sticks would often be covered in human feces to facilitate infection!
…Eh, the cruelty sorta overshadowed that sweet pun. Not worth it.
A bulky throwing weapon used by the Zande tribe, the Kpinga is just a giant Z-shaped projectile meant to be lodged in your whatever. What’s even better (worse?) is that, in order to project an air of virility, the bottom edge of the weapon is shaped like a… erm… uh… Well, okay, son. I guess it’s time we had this talk. See, when a man and woman love each other very much…
That’s right kids, it wasn’t just created for Xena! (Y’all still watch Xena, right?) The chakram was a rad circular throwing disc that could not only cut straight through human flesh, but also make this sick ass alien-like whistling sound. As it turns out, the chakram was a very real weapon used by the Rajput warriors of India, who were capable of not only throwing it, but spinning it on one finger like they were one of the goddamned Harlem Globetrotters! And who are the Harlem Globetrotters? Well, son, when a man and a basketball love each other very much…
I can see the infomercials now. “LIKE WHIPS? LIKE SWORDS? BAM! NOW YA GOT BOTH.” Another weapon used by the Rajput of India, the Urumi wasn’t the most practical weapon — it required so much effort just to keep the thing in motion, and it isn’t exactly lethal. But hot damn, it takes towel-whipping to a whole new level. It must’ve sucked to be in PE and change next to a Rajput warrior bully.
Google autocorrected “Macuahuitl” to “Macauley Culkin”. I just wanted to get that nice, pleasant tidbit out of the way before emphasizing just how much of your sh*t this thing can ruin. Lined with freaking obsidian on each edge, the Macuahuitl has enough force to not only decapitate someone, but to do so in a very painful, drawn out manner. I get one sliver of glass stuck in my hand and I’m out of commission for a week. Please keep the Macauley away from me.
Which of these weapons do you think would be the least practical on the battlefield? Let me know on Twitter!