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Holiday Foods I Wish I Hadn’t Eaten

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To quote the beginning of “Silver Bells” – “Christmas makes me feel emotional.” And what do emotions bring? Over-eating! Here are some holiday foods I’ll be resolving to burn off.


Conformity Fruitcake


Every time I’ve tried to eat fruitcake, it just makes me feel alone. Why does everyone need to serve it at holiday parties? With each bite, it’s a gamble if you’re going to hit the fruit or the cake, and I prefer to prime my tongue for what’s about to happen to it. Do you guys actually like fruitcake, or are you just worshipping the ritual?


Boredom Hannukah Gelt


Once you’ve received these cheap milk chocolate coins, they’re going to take up space on your desk. And they come in this golden netting that promises something surprising inside. SPOILER ALERT: You’ll end up eating them, and it’s going to have the same crappy aftertaste.


Desperation Eggnog


You could really use a drink. Unfortunately, there is nothing left in your fridge except flat Diet Coke and some eggnog from that party you threw three weeks ago (what? you needed to throw that holiday party before everyone got sick of holiday parties!). Are you going to risk it with the eggnog? Of course you are – flat Diet Coke is absolutely disgusting. So are spoiled eggs, but that’s a lesson you’ll only have to learn once…


Gestural Lava Cake


You love lava cake, but it’s so rich, you know you can’t just eat it every time you see it. And you definitely can’t go back to the buffet for a third, fourth, and fifth slice… Unless it is labeled “Kwanzaa Lava Cake”! Then you are allowed to indulge, in the spirit of diversity and all that is good.


Guilt-Ridden Chocolate Jesus


So, you’re the Jew at the Chanukah party, and you accidentally find yourself grabbing a Chocolate Christ out of the candy bowl. Can you, in good conscience, eat the Jesus? Well, at this point it’d be awkward not to. The host is now staring, wondering how you’ll handle the situation. Oh, and earlier in the night, you turned down the honey-baked ham. Screw it. Jesus will forgive you for the calories.


Anxiety-Induced Appetizers


At holiday parties, I often find myself hovering by the food table. It’s my safe haven for mustering up the courage to introduce myself to someone other than the host. Or I can use it to extricate myself from conversations I’m already accidentally entrenched in. It’s strange though— once I’m within a certain radius of wax tablecloth, my hands become little vortexes of neuroses, and a lot of mindless hand-to-mouth action occurs. Santa’s smiling face on the sugar cookie becomes a beacon of comfort, and the vaguely Mediterranean puff pastries remind me of a time when I was not feeling so alone. When I come to, it’s 2012, and the world has ended anyway.

What do you wish that you wish you hadn’t? Why did you eat it? Feel free to psychoanalyze in the comments section!

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