Hollywood Movies I Damn Sure Shoulda Starred In
Now, I don't want to brag, but I am absolutely the best at everything I've ever done. And while I've never done any acting in no big budget Hollywood motion pictures, I would say that's because there ain't never been a movie role manly enough for me to play. Hell, I watched Rambo the other day and wondered if that coward was just nervous about asking them Viet Cong out on a date. Here are some films that that my CRAZY MASCULINITY in the lead role woulda helped out.
Ain't NOTHING more American than me. I wear shirts without sleeves that say "Never Forget"! I eat bald eagles for breakfast, lunch, BRUNCH, and dinner! I cry during the National Anthem AND the Black Eyed Peas halftime show! I should obviously be Captain America, and the fact that I ain't shows this movie musta been made by a god damn FRENCHMAN.
When Harry Met Sally
If I was the star, this movie would've been When Harry Fought Sally For The World Heavyweight Championship in a Steel Cage. I don't know if I'd be better suited for Harry or for Sally. Maybe both. Like a Norbit kind of a thing. I'M JUST THROWIN' THINGS OUT HERE. There ain't no bad ideas in brainstormin'.
I tell you what, if I was starrin' in Twilight I woulda ate that whole girl in act one, scene one. Watchin' that movie now is like watchin' a film about a human being dating a steak.
Here's what pisses me off about The Shawshank Redemption- they think their audience is a damn fool. I don't need Andy DuFresne to explain to me for 45 minutes that a harmonica is a symbol of HOPE. I knew it was a symbol of hope because I AM WELL VERSED IN THE READING OF SYMBOLISM IN CINEMATIC TEXTS. You can bet that if I were starrin' in this here movie, it would be CHOCK FULL OF SUBTLETY.
The Dark Knight
Batman protects his city by hangin' out on rooftops or whatever and strikin' fear into the hearts of criminals. If I starred in The Dark Knight, I'd protect MY city by VOLUNTEERING MY TIME and donating to the local POLICE STATION. DIFF'RENT STROKES FOR DIFF'RENT FOLKS.
In this here movie, we got a nightclub owner in Casablanca during World War 2 where Nazis come in and buy drinks without getting their skulls crushed by way of intense punches. A real man destroys every Nazi he can, as PAINFULLY as he can, and that is a crucial element I would bring to the role. Also, I would never let Isla leave for America with her husband. Like I care that she'd regret it maybe not today, maybe not tomorry, but soon and for the rest of her life! I would be DAMN SATISFIED with that decision!
Toy Story 3
At the end of Toy Story 3, Andy gives his toys to some snot-nosed little girl and feels sad that his childhood spent with toys is over but happy that they found a new home. I say TO HELL with all this snifflin' and conflicted feeling! Had they cast ME as Andy, I would make a choice – If I like my toys, I keep 'em. If I hate my toys, I eat em.
What in the damn Hell movie roles you think I'd be good in? You just let me know in them there comments.