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The Horrible Things I Hope To Do in Grand Theft Auto 5

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Let me just start by mentioning that I go to work, I pay my taxes, and I’m INCREDIBLY polite when I tell homeless people why I’m not going to give them any money. What I’m saying is, I’m a good person. But when a new Grand Theft Auto game comes out, that is when it’s time to air out my DARK SIDE, you know? In the GTA games I’m given an opportunity to do some truly terrible things, like beating hookers with a baseball bat or shooting rockets at police helicopters. I would obviously never do those things in real life, but the thought of doing them in a virtual world makes me SALIVATE. Here are some of the horrific things I hope to be able to do in Grand Theft Auto 5.


Fill a suitcase with poisonous gas and switch it out with the briefcase of a Wall Street businessman

gta horrific brief case


When said businessman gets to his meeting and starts opening his suitcase, he’ll be all like “Gentlemen, as I’ll demonstrate, potential growth for the fourth quarter is POISON GAS!” And then all his business friends will be “I’m sorry Williams, but are you suggesting the potential growth for the fourth quarter will be poison gas?” And then they’ll all die.


Take a cop’s gun out of his side holster when you’re behind him at Starbucks

gta cop starbucks


This has to be in the next GTA game, because it’s something that I would never ever EVER do in real life but I want SO BADLY TO DO IT IN REAL LIFE. That gun is just taunting me in real life, you know?


Just toss an elbow every once in a while

gta elbow


You see, Grand Theft Auto is a game that is so big and exciting that we can’t help but love it DESPITE it’s absolutely awful mechanics. And that can lead the player to feel powerless — I failed that Three Leaf Clover mission in GTA IV so many times through NO fault of my own. So throwing an elbow every once in a while can help alleviate that. You know, a little.

OR THEY COULD ASLO FIX THE FUNDAMENTAL PLAY MECHANICS. But I’ve been calling for that since Vice City. It’s never going to happen. Rockstar won’t listen to me. I’m going to go outside and elbow someone on the street.


Not show up to a party when I told everyone I’d show up to that party

gta show up


Jesus Christ, you talk to some of my friends, and you’d think this was a beating-a-hooker-to-death-and-stealing-your-money-back level atrocity.


Burn down a record store

gta burn down record store


I kind of just want to see this in GTA V because I went into a record store a few days ago and the clerk was really condescending just because I was looking for an Arcade Fire record in the year 2013 and it hurt my feelings. I was only buying it so the record store guy would think I was cool, so it hurt all the more. But if uncool people didn’t buy Arcade Fire records in misguided attempts to make legitimately cool people think they were cool, the Arcade Fire would be OUT OF BUSINESS. And do you really want that on your conscious, record store guy? Do you want to put the ENTIRE Arcade Fire out on the streets? There’s like fifty people in that band!


Tie a baby to a rocket ship and send it into outer space

gta baby rocketship


Would the baby, like, freeze? Explode? Get sucked IN to space? Get pushed DOWN to Earth? Listen, I feel horrible about what is sure to happen to this digital baby, but it’s literally keeping me up at night wondering what would happen.


What horrific exploits are you hoping to get up to in the next Grand Theft Auto? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


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