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How To Avoid Wearing A Bikini In Public

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If you’re anything like me, your winter consisted of eating and hibernation. That’s one way to live, but now it’s summer, and you’re supposed to go around showing your stomach to people. Whoops. Here are some ways to avoid wearing a bikini in public.


Bury Yourself In Sand

no bikini beyonce sand


This is a perfectly acceptable beach activity that doubles as a practical fat-roll-hiding technique. Plus, everyone wants to talk to the buried-in-sand kid. Popularity!


Be Wet Always

no bikini towel dress


If you’re wet, you need a towel; everybody knows that. So just keep running back and forth from shore to sea, and you’ll be seen as active and spontaneous. And if you’re in motion, their brains won’t be able to register the cellulite.


Get A Job

no bikini beach suit


Even lifeguards get to wear one-pieces, and most of the working class doesn’t have time to go to the beach on a regular basis. Tell everyone you have to work; then go tanning in a deserted cove.


Declare A Themed Beach Day: Downton Abbey

no bikini downton suit


Who doesn’t love a themed beach day? I wish we had more of those. When you show up in a petticoat, it’s just because you don’t want the Dowager Countess to write you out of her will.


Play DJ Of The Sands

no bikini fanny boombox



Have you seen those fanny pack boombox things? Kinda cool, and they cover up all the right places! Dance like everybody’s watching… because they probably will be if you’re wearing a fanny pack boombox.


Only Sunbathe In Restaurants

no bikini restaurant sign


No shirt, no shoes, no service! What do you expect? Yay, now it’s time to eat.


How else can you get out of wearing a bikini? Let us know in the comments!


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