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How To Break Up With A Bad Friend

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Sometimes we want to end a friendship out of momentary bursts of anger. (“How DARE they say I can’t name all the Thundercats!”). But other times we need to end a friendship because it has taken a particularly toxic turn. When that happens, keep the following in mind…


Remember It’s Okay to Protect Yourself


We all know the phrase “Life is too short to spend with bad people.” We also all know that it can be hard to remove such bad people from your life. That’s because most of us don’t like confrontations or hurting other people’s feelings. But the truth is there are so many good people in the world and you probably have so much good to offer that it doesn’t make any sense to spend time with a supposed “friend” who makes you doubt yourself so they can seem wise, who makes you feel second-best so they can shine, who makes you feel awkward so they can maintain control and who makes you think the Mayan prediction for the end of the world can’t come soon enough.


Decide How You Want to End It


When discussing important matters nothing beats a face-to-face conversation. But sometimes you can be so hurt by someone that you can’t even look at them without throwing up things you ate as a child. So if you decide to break up by text remember unknown abbreviations like “IDIBYS” (“I’m Dying Inside Because You Suck”) will only confuse the message. If you break up by email remember to wait an hour after typing your message before sending it, so you can calmly edit out such pointed observations as “STOP BREATHING! WHY WON’T YOU STOP BREATHING?!” And if you choose to just yell the break-up out a window do it near their neighborhood so the message can eventually get around to them with a few weeks.


Remain Calm


Yelling is never a sign of dominance in a conversation. It’s a sign of desperation. That’s why you must keep your emotions in check when breaking up with a bad friend so your points can be clear and logical. And to help you remain calm, pretend you’re talking to a teddy bear. “You were unkind and untrustworthy,” you tell the teddy bear. “You only thought about what I could do for you, not what I needed,” you say as you look directly into the bear’s button eyes. “Stop sticking your fabric tongue out,” you say as you start to confuse a helpful conversation device with reality. And when they respond just say, “AUGH! Since when do teddy bears talk?! That’s it! I’m outta here!”


Just Walk Away


It’s hard to stick to a decision when emotions are involved. You might soon find yourself saying, “I know you betrayed my trust and undermined me at every turn but how about we go out for coffee and then maybe a three-week cruise. My treat!” But it’s crucial you stay firm and don’t send out mixed signals. That’s why immediately after the break up you must severe all contact. Don’t engage in any phone calls, social gatherings or hospital visits. Whenever they try to reach out to you pretend they’re doing so from beyond the grave and you don’t really believe in ghosts anyway. Eventually they’ll either be out of your life or you’ll have so completely forgotten who they are that you’ll accidentally make friends with them again.


Expect Fallout


If they hurt you when you were supposedly friends, you can almost guarantee they will go on the attack after the break-up. They’ll tell everybody that it was you who was the bad friend. They’ll try to drive a wedge between you and your other friends. They’ll poison the city’s water supply if for some reason you had been friends with a supervillain. And all this will be done in the hopes that you react, thus keeping the lines of communication open even if that communication consists of nothing but screaming and the middle finger. So just ignore whatever they do after the break-up and soon they’ll do enough personal damage that even their pets will have to sit them down and say, “This isn’t working out.”


Know You Did the Right Thing


We all know the phrase “No one ever said doing the right thing was easy.” And we all know that phrase has brought comfort to absolutely no one since the very first day it was uttered. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. So the next time you wonder if all the heartache and headaches of breaking up with a bad friend was worth it, realize how your body no longer tenses up when your phone rings. Realize how you no longer have someone making you feel guilty for things you didn’t do or accusations you never made. And realize how much better food tastes when you don’t have to choke it down to avoid spending one more minute in a restaurant with your now ex-bad friend.

Do you have any tips on how to dump a bad  friend? Let us know in the comments!

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