How To Get Someone To Break Up With You
Breaking up is hard to do. The crying, the ‘why’s?’, the dry heaves… the foolhardy moment where you take them back. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get them to break up with you? Still, you don’t wanna cheat or go Chris Brown on anybody… time to buck up and do the right thing you think. But wait! Don’t break out the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ just yet…because it can be you! Here are some surefire passive-aggressive ways to get the one you used to love to kick you to the curb.
1. Say They Remind You Of Ke$ha
No self-respecting girl would ever put up with this insult. This will produce an instant break-up, but you best wear a cup when you say it. Girls, just remind them of Ke$ha. But please remember to always carry a Costco-size bottle of hand sanitizer, because you will be spending a lot of time on the floor of seedy public restrooms.
2. Become A Gun Enthusiast.
This is best combined with a new-found love of death metal. Bonus points if you also include machetes or swords in your collection.
3. Do Weird Things With Your Hair
For girls this is easy…no shaving, plucking or waxing. Basically just look like you’re a fan of Lilith Fair. Guys, you need to have a haircut so heinous that it makes the mullet seem like something James Bond would wear. White-boy dreads or anything a Jersey Shore guy might sport are good…but shave an image of a guy taking a dump on your head and she’ll wonder what she ever saw in you to begin with.
4. Become A Hardcore, Uber-Fan
Not just any kind of fan, ‘a screaming, crying teen age girl after she smells one of Robert Pattinson’s farts’, kind of fan. Your whole life must be consumed by your new obsession… your clothing (cosplay will speed things up), collectibles must dominate your home décor, ‘romantic’ dates should include waiting outside overnight in the rain for tickets, the newest video game release or even a passing glimpse of your new obsession. The final nail in the coffin? Start talking about naming your first child Kalimdor or Renesmee.
5. Start Hoarding Cats
This works especially well if your honey is allergic or if you actually appear to be living in a litter box. The best part is when they are gone you can still make kitten piles.
6. Start Exploring your Feminine/Masculine Side
Guys, your girlfriend may try to be accepting at first, but trust me, once you start tucking your junk for a smoother pantyline she’ll be the picture of intolerance.
Anyone who has an ounce of testosterone will run for the hills, when their girlfriend Biebers it up. And if he’s into it, well, you will probably no longer have trouble dumping him because that’s just…ewwwwww.
7. Demand That They Treat You Like A Baby
No, I don’t mean disrespecting your opinion and trying to control your every move. I mean making them play patty cake, requiring them to call you poopy pants and throwing a temper tantrum when they refuse to chew your food and spit it into your mouth like a mama bird.
8. Photo Bomb Their Granny’s Corpse
You are SO getting dumped!
Have you ever pulled off a passive-aggressive break up? Let us know how it went down in the comments!