How to Have an Emotional Breakdown at Starbucks
We’ve all had emotional breakdowns — after a breakup, a tragedy, or when Beyoncé concert tickets are sold out. The worst scenario is when you get the bad news in public, and especially in a Starbucks. People go to Starbucks to buy drinks that can fuel the rest of their day — ain’t nobody tryna hear you cry while they sip their latte. Here are a few tips for breaking down without breaking up that smooth Seattle vibe.
1. Time Your Crying out with Machines
Use those loud coffee machines to your advantage. When in use, they usually let out a loud noise for about five or10 seconds. That’s the perfect amount of time for you to cry out “Why me?!?” or “Kill me now!” and go undetected. If people notice the tear on your face, you can often get away with saying something like, “I just really need my coffee” and they’ll believe it.
2. Stuff a Muffin into Your Mouth
However, if you get the timing wrong or this doesn’t work, try stuffing an entire pastry into your mouth to silence your sobs. Conveniently, the threat of choking on said baked good will help you slow down your breath and calm down. However, try to avoid thoughts of actual death, as this may tempt you to lean into choking.
3. Spill Hot Coffee Onto Yourself
But if neither of these things work and you end up drawing attention to yourself, lean into that. The best thing is to actually spill hot coffee or tea directly onto yourself. The hotter the better — anything that can result in second degree burns will actually distract everyone from your emotional turmoil and make them focus on your burning flesh.
4. You May Need the Smell of a PSL
This can all be a lot to handle, and in conjunction with an emotional breakdown, many people can faint. If this does happen, use all your might to call out for a Pumpkin Spice Latte. The scent of this magical, seasonal drink has the power to bring someone out of a coma, and it can help you snap back as well. If it’s not fall, you’re out of luck.
5. Just Order What’s In Your Heart
In the terrible event that none of these things work, just order a Unicorn Frappuccino. This drink is made out of… actually, I’m not even sure what it’s made out of, but nothing edible. It will kill you and finally put you out of your misery.
Have any other tips? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!