Funny Articles

How I’d Use Bioshock Infinite’s Vigors in Real Life

By  | 

While its story and atmosphere make Bioshock Infinite one of the crowning achievements of this gaming generation, I can’t help but be freaked out by the Vigors in the game. Booker DeWitt, our empathetic protagonist, guzzles horrific chemicals and watches the skin burn from his bones his hands turn to stone. Sure, they’re only hallucinations, but are we not at all concerned about what these chemicals — madness-inducing at best — are doing to our hero?

No? Everyone’s just excited to have rad powers to shoot at sky racists? Fair enough. Here’s what I’d use Bioshock Infinite’s Vigors for in real life.


Devil’s Kiss

bioshock vigors devils kiss


I would ABSOLUTELY use the fire-based Devil’s Kiss Vigor to cook my nightly chicken nuggets and throw away my microwave. Then I’d finally have the counter space to keep my blender out instead of having to take it out of the cupboard every time I use it! I mean, I’d also use it to instantly kill any and all who stand in my way, but I’m really all about how easy it’d be to make smoothies.


Bucking Bronco

bioshock infinite bucking bronco


In Bioshock Infinite, the Bucking Bronco Vigor is used to launch enemies into the air, leaving them defenseless. I would use this Vigor less on enemies and more on baby puppies and kitties, so I could pet them and give them tummy rubs without getting bitten! Do you think if Booker had used Bucking Bronco to give the villains in Columbia tummy rubs he would have had more success? Probably would have saved him some ammo, at least.


Shock Jockey

bioshock vigors shock jockey


Do you think I could I use this lightning-based Vigor to charge my iPhone when it dies? If so, I would do that. Not sure if that makes sense, physics-wise, though. I wish there was a vigor that would make that stupid dick physics stop getting in my way.

(And yes, I’m aware that I’m now wishing for a fictional thing to make another fictional thing work. The logical and creative parts of my mind don’t get along. Leave me alone.)


Murder of Crows

bioshock infinite murder of crows


Pretty sure the crows I produced through my veins and have complete control over would HAVE to be my friends, right?


Return to Sender

bioshock infinite return to sender


Drinking this Vigor gave Booker the power to catch enemy projectiles. I don’t really get a lot of things thrown at me, so I would probably only use this Vigor if someone invited me to play sports. It’s a much better excuse to say “I literally can’t catch ANY sort of ball without it being caught in my magic force field and hurled back to whomever threw it” than “I don’t understand sports and I’m scared.”



bioshock infinite undertow


I’d honestly just use this Vigor, which gives its user control over water, to make cleaning up around the house a little easier. As my grandad always said, the surest way to clean house is to develop a sort of psychic mind meld with the element of water and use it to do your bidding!

Grandad was never the same after his fourteen day bout of brain malaria in the late 90’s.

What would Bioshock Infinite’s vigors fit into your real life? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out 22 Epic Video Game Movie Posters!