Funny Articles

How to Know if You Are a Giant Failure in Life

By  | 

If you want to feel good about yourself, don’t read this article — self-deprecating losers only, please. You may have a sneaking suspicion that you’re a terrible waste of space on this planet, and you may be right. Here are six signs you’re a giant failure in life.

1. Little kid-you would hate present day-you

Think about when you were 10. Where did you think you would be in life by this age? You thought you’d be doing way better, right? And that’s how you know you’ve failed. 10-year-old you would be so disappointed right now. They’d be ashamed to be you. Knowing that you are their impending fate would probably make them wonder if life was worth living at all.

2. Your mom tells everyone about how your siblings are doing but never mentions you

When people ask your mom how her kids are doing, she talks about how your brother Jake is on varsity this year, and your sister Maria is on student council. But she doesn’t tell them what you’re up to because you aren’t up to anything. Sometimes when people ask her how many kids she has, she says two. She only remembers Jake and Maria. She forgot about you.

3. You buy everything you want and just put it on a credit card

WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. That isn’t free. You aren’t going to die at 27 — at some point, you’ll have to pay it off. You’re just going to rack up insane amounts of debt and then pay hundreds of dollars of interest every month. You are failing yourself honey. Use a a credit card like cash and only buy stuff you actually have the money for. Am I giving myself this speech right now too? Of course I am. Erika, close those Amazon tabs because YOU DON’T HAVE THE MONEY FOR NEW SHOES. FREELANCE WRITING DOES NOT PAY WELL.

4. There are crumbs in your bed

I hope you like being king of the cockroaches because they’re going to be your only friends. Having crumbs in your room is gross. In fact, anything attracts bugs into your room… what are you doing.

5. You don’t know how to do your own laundry

Doing laundry is so easy. You disgust me. Even this wombat does his own laundry.

6. You have more than 10,000 unread emails

My 11,333 unread emails are the burden of my life. By the time you read this, there will be more.

The good news is that there’s still time to turn it around and stop being a giant failure. At least this is what I tell myself to keep going every day. Someday I will make it through my 11,351 unread emails (it went up since I typed the last paragraph). How many unread emails do you have? Tweet at me and let me know @erikaheidewald!