How to Make This Year’s Hot Gifts (With Stuff Lying Around Your House)
There’s nothing worse than searching high and low for a hot holiday gift only to realize that to get it you needed to purchase it a full year before it came out. But before you start writing a gift tag with the words “So sorry about the enclosed smoked meat,” know that with a little ingenuity and a whole lot of crap around your house you can make a suitable substitute for any present.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
What You Need: Backyard, paintball gun, fireworks, Nyquil
The whole point of first-person shooters is to immerse yourself in mid-battle. So let your gift recipient experience that the most realistic way possible by first knocking them unconscious with sleep medication. Next, have them wake up only to find themselves in the middle of a violent paintball war in their own backyard, watching in horror as their patio furniture—and patio—explode thanks to the M-80s you attached. Then sit back and watch as they run screaming from one end of their lawn to the other, being shot at by their own men to capture the feel of just how many a**holes there really are on Xbox Live.
What You Need: Stuffed toy, all the time in the world
Fijits have their own personalities, can dance to music and have voice recognition software, all of which you can’t duplicate without somehow completely reprogramming a Jingle Bell Rock Santa. So instead find an old bunny doll. Then just follow your friend around pretending to talk for the bunny and making it dance to whatever music your friend is listening to it, even if it’s on an iPod and you have to guess by doing “The Worm.” Of course, this will involve you completely giving up your own life to shadow your friend 24/7, but your buddy’s screams of “STOP FOLLOWING ME! STOP DOING THAT VOICE! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!” will only prove just how much they are interacting with their hot holiday gift.
What You Need: Old books, deck of cards, embarrassed look on face when they open their gift
The Kindle Fire was designed to be the cost-effective alternative to the iPad 2. So your alternative to the Kindle Fire should take that frugality to an almost heart-wrenching extreme. The Fire lets you read books? Did you know that there are countless old paperbacks in your parent’s basement, allowing your friend to catch up on diet crazes of the 1980’s or just how many romance novel covers once featured Fabio? The Fire lets you play games? Did you know that some card decks actually come with the rules for gin rummy right inside? The Fire lets you have a fully immersive, interactive experience? Did you know that some people have to learn to do without when it comes to getting a gift? Then just place all the books and cards in a box and wrap it with enough ribbon that it gives you time to make a run for it when they start opening their gift.
Monster High Dolls
What You Need: Random old dolls, hacksaw, a dark side
Monster High Dolls were supposed to be the edgy, twisted alternative to Barbie. But instead they wound up looking like Bratz Dolls got a gift certificate to Hot Topic. But when you make your own Monster High Doll you can really stress the monstrous angle by attaching a Disney Princess head to a wad of spoiled ground beef. Or a Cabbage Patch doll with a Hungry Hungry Hippo bursting out of its chest. Or use two heads to create Barbie’s unborn, partially digested, sticking-out-of-the-neck twin sister. Anything that says, “I know I shouldn’t have done this but too late, it’s wrapped.”
What You Need: Any other Lego set, toothpicks
When you come right down to it, every Lego series is pretty much like every other Lego series. The “Hero Factory” sets are just the “Bionicle” sets with far worse character names. The “Harry Potter” sets are the “Knights Kingdom” sets without armor and with a female character who isn’t a princess. And the “Prince of Persia” sets might as well as be filled with old minifig hands given how many people were going to buy that thing. So for the Ninjago sets all you really need is whatever series you already own, toothpicks to make tiny swords, nunchucks or a sai and you repeatedly saying “Oh look, we’re in Japan!” over and over again.
What You Need: Chutzpah
Let’s be real. You were never going to buy anyone a new car. That’s insane. You might as well buy them a helicopter. Or a rocket ship. Or one of those toys from “The Grinch” that involve six miles of metal tubing, a tuba, 47 gongs and a staff of twenty. But did you know that you can actually buy the car ribbon you see in those Lexus ads? And that it only takes 5 or 10 cans of Krylon to give a car a new color if you’re not picky about doing a good job or resale value? In short, you have to ask yourself one simple question—How much are you willing to bet the person won’t immediately realize that “new car” is really their own old car spray-painted with a bow on top the moment they see their license plate or open the door to find their CDs inside?
What Holiday gift do you want this year? Let us know in the comments!