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How (Not) To Text

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While the internet might be good for watching cat videos or ordering pizza without talking to anyone, it shouldn’t be trusted for dating advice. For example, there’s the site “” that offers “helpful” tips on how to impress the ladies with your fingers (via texting).

The site is basically an advertisement for an ENTIRE BOOK on texting girls called “The TXT Book.” This book promises that once you learn the art of texting girls, “you can flirt with 10 girls at once and increase your power to choose who you date and who you hook up with!” You hear that? Ten girls. They are using MATH. Sounds LEGIT.

We found 7 of’s suggested first text messages. Girls must really be into bad grammar and lack of proper punctuation. Check it out…


7. "I just realized which celebrity you remind me of..Crazy crazy…

This one is dangerous. If you tell a girl she looks like Scarlett Johansson, and in fact she looks more like Mark Ruffalo, the girl will know you are a liar. Also, using a word more than once in a row is a good indicator that you are, in fact, crazy yourself. Just imagine a guy walking down the street yelling “waffle! WAFFLE!” and you get the idea.


6. “I just figured out what you would be if you were an animal.”

This kind of question is supposed to be a clever way grab her attention and get to write back out of curiosity, but it also might tip off that you are into “furries.” Also, if she writes back, make sure you go with an animal that could be considered sexy. You may think she is majestic and graceful, but no one wants to be compared to a sperm whale.


5. “what r u up to crazyface?”

When you google “crazyface” this picture comes up first, and it is the exact opposite of what girls like to be compared to. But now that you mention it, what IS Crazyface up to? Something crazy, probably.


4. “What has a bottom at the top? -[your name]”

If the girl writes back (very big if here) with a “huh?” or “wat?” they want you to answer this one with, “your legs, silly!” Your legs, SILLY? I’m no smoothologist, but I think a bad riddle followed by calling a girl “silly” is the exactly opposite of smooth.


3. “hey crackerpants! Just what kinda trouble are you getting into today!?”

Was she sitting in crackers? Is crackerpants supoosed to be playful and clever? What if she’s Caucasian and sensitive to ethnic slurs? “hey honkyskirt! Just what kind of crimes are you committing today?”


2. “Hey my little penguin princess, what kind of mischief are you causing today!?

Unless “penguin princess” is a nickname you discussed with her in person, she might not appreciate being called a stout, flightless bird. Also, why is there an exclamation point there? Are you angry about the mischief? Excited? You are getting really worked up about this mischief, and you don’t even know what kind it is.


1. “hello my little midget ninja!”

Ninjas are awesome, granted, but what girl likes picking up her iphone and seeing some dude call her a midget? Not even midgets like this. Also, if she’s a real ninja and a real midget, insulting her to her face is a good way to get a katana shoved in an uncomfortable place.

What's the worst "pick up" text you've ever received?


Check Out 5 Ways To Get A Girl!