How Santa Feels During The Month Of December
All through December all over the country boys and girls feel in the back of their minds the gleeful anticipation of presents arriving come December 25th. Oh, what joy that day brings! But how does Ol' Chris Kringle, Ol' Santa himself… how does he feel as the month of December draws nearer and nearer to Christmas day?
December 1st: Excited
The month is upon him! Santa's work is set to begin. All leading up to the day when children around the world will dance, rosy cheeked, around Christmas trees praising his name!
December 2nd: Slightly Less Excited
Santa has given various orders to all the various Elves in his employ to start making toys. The toy train elf is busily making toy trains. The XBox 360 Elf is busily making XBox 360s. The only damper on Santa's joy as he overlooks his factory floor is how many forms his lawyer had him sign to protect him against any injures that may be incurred by using his toys, Elf union leaders demanding more pay and less hours, etc., etc. Still, though, Christmas!
December 5th: Defensive
The first Elf Union leader has accused Santa of not protecting Elf worker rights. The Union claims that an Elf was required to work 9 straight hours without a bathroom break, and had to urinate on himself while making Mario Kart 7 cartridges. Santa settles out of court, but is somewhat unsettled by the incident.
December 10th: Frustrated
Santa's Gastroenterologist tells Santa that he has developed an ulcer. The doctor asks Santa if he is working too hard, or if he's had any added strees lately. Santa tells him no. Santa finds out later that night that the pills the doctor prescribed are not covered by his private health care provider.
Also, the Elf in charge of Barbie dolls makes over 11,000 Barbie dolls with ultra-realistic nipples before his supervisor notices his mistake. Production is set back an entire day.
December 15th: Angry
Reports of Elf rights violations are running all through the factory floor. Several key toy making sectors have gone on stroke included the Uncharted 3 Elves, the Elves that make Harry Potter dolls, and the Elves that make Bratz. Due to the strikes they are several days behind schedule Mrs. Claus won't put out because Santa blew up at her for not taking out the trash one night, and hasn't apologized yet. Rudolph has the flu, and took a pretty serious sh*t in the jacuzzi..
December 20th: Madness Sets In
The Elves are all now on strike. Santa is barricaded in his office. Mrs. Claus joined the strike yesterday when she found out female elves make 14% less on average than male elves. Many of the toys have been piled up up and burned by elves in protest. The nipple Barbies were delivered to children by the resentful elves with gift tags that said "From: Santa. And be sure to show your parents what you got."
Santa, having not slept in several days as the protests got worse, out of his mind on a lack of sleep, scans the room frantically for some sign of hope, something that he can do to get himself out of this miss. His gaze lands on Rudolph, who still has the flu. Rudolph looks up at Santa lovingly, then takes a giant wet sh*t on the rug.
December 25th: Ready To Do What Needs To Be Done
Santa, now six days without sleep, and unable to quell the Elf revolution led by his own wife, realizes that he only has one option left. The captain must go down with his ship.
How else does Santa feel as Christmas approaches? Let us know in the comments!