How to Talk Down the Clowns That Want to Kill You
With the movie It coming out September 8th, it’s very likely that clowns will make a terrorizing comeback from your childhood nightmares and attempt to murder you for real. In the event that that does happen, it’s important to have an “evacuation plan” of sorts in place (futile as it may be). And so, here are four clowns that want to kill you, and how to talk them down from it (because clowns will only laugh at your pathetic weapons, and there is truly nothing worse than a clown’s laugh. Nothing.).
Pennywise from It
Pennywise is one of the worst killer clowns of all time, because he ruined balloons for f***ing everybody.
How to talk him out of killing you: It believes it is superior to anything on Earth, so talk It out of killing you by telling It there is a prophecy that claims there is ONE out there more powerful than he. In the same way that the Evil Queen goes crazy when she finds out Snow White is hotter than her, It will lose his goddamn mind at the idea of a being more powerful than him in the world, and he will seek out that figure (who you obviously completely made up btw, so start running) to murder instead. If It insists on killing you before starting his quest to kill his fake nemesis, bargain with him by saying you’ll tell him exactly where to find the nemesis but ONLY by email the next day. (Then tell him his nemesis lives at 42 Wallaby Way, Sidney, because thanks to Finding Nemo that’s an easy fake address to recall on the spot).
The ClownHouse Trio
The ClownHouse trio are actually three escaped mental patients who stumbled across a circus, killed three clowns, and took their costumes before going on a psychotic clown killing spree. They outnumber you, and like all clowns, they have no respect for human life.
How to talk them out of killing you: The one weakness of the trio is that they aren’t real clowns. They never went to clown school, they don’t know how to make a balloon animal, and they have no idea how to ride a unicycle. Thus, the best way to get them to not murder you is to hurt their feelings. Make sure they know how inadequate they are as clowns, and how they’ll never make their clown daddies proud — because they don’t have clown daddies. They’re shells of clowns AND orphans. As a final blow, be sure to make two of them feel extra inferior to the “leader” of the three — while they’re dealing with an existential identity crisis and murdering each other for the title of “Clown 1”, you’ll have time to run away and take on a new identity of your own.
As we know from the Saw films, Jigsaw is all about psychological AND emotional torture. He’s a tour de force when it comes to murder.
How to talk him out of killing you: Jigsaw’s main goal as a killer clown is to test your will to live, and boy oh BOY do people have some seriously strong wills to live! Thus, the only way to beat Jigsaw is to convince him you have absolutely zero will to live! If there’s one thing Jigsaw can’t stand, it’s being bored while watching someone die, so you’ve gotta really talk and act like you’re f*cking loving those death traps; that you can’t wait for the excruciating pain of slowly succumbing to blood loss. He’ll be so psychologically tortured himself watching this that he’ll let you go so he can make an appointment with this therapist ASAP. Sure, you’ll leave without an arm or foot, but you’ll leave un-murdered, and that’s the ultimate goal here.
Ronald McDonald is the kind of predator who hides in the light of day and probably likes playing with his own version of a “Happy Meal” — your fresh corpse (with a side of apple slices instead of fries because he’s getting older and watching his sodium).
How to talk him out of killing you: You can’t. While Ronald McDonald himself could be convinced to let you live, those Mickey D’s sodium-riddled fries you just can’t stay away from will definitely get you in the end.
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