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How to Tell If Your Parents Are Spies

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Sometimes, your parents keep secrets from you for your own good. And if they were, say, international spies like James Bond, they wouldn’t tell you so you wouldn’t get kidnapped and used as leverage by a terrorist organization known as SMESHCO. In case you’re curious and want to do a little spy work of your own, here’s how to tell if your parents are secretly spies.

They’re always going away on “business”, but won’t tell you what they’re doing

If your parents take a lot of business trips, but don’t tell you what kind of business they’re in, they might be spies. Normal parents are able to tell you what they do beyond vaguely uttering “exports” or “travel”. They can elaborate, like “accounting for medium sized plastics corporations”. Sure, that job also sounds like BS, but it’s also not a cover.

They drop you off at school in an Aston Martin that can shoot lasers

It might seem like your parents are just really into cars, but actually, lasers are not a standard feature in most vehicles. Ask yourself — are my parents really successful movie stars who can afford to trick out their luxury cars with a whole bunch of unnecessary gadgets? No? Then they’re probably spies.

They embarrass you by talking into their shoe in public

Parents can be so embarrassing! It’s obvious why someone would be mortified if their parents started talking into their shoe — it’s not an iPhone. But did you ever stop to think that the shoe-phone might be a piece of technology more advanced than anything Steve Jobs could ever dream of because it’s a super cool spy gadget???? Your parents aren’t so embarrassing now, are they?

Your mom accidentally packed microfilm in your lunch

Whoops! Mom fail! Your mom shouldn’t be accidentally packing international secrets in your lunch box. She should be packing sandwiches. Pro tip: If you pull out the microfilm and your teacher cracks his neck, then throws his hat at you, your teacher is probably a henchman trying to get those secrets. He definitely does not have a teaching degree and shouldn’t be trying to teach your AP History. Not cool!

They missed your piano recital because a disfigured super villain had them tied up in his lair

It’s easy to think your parents don’t care about you, that if they really wanted to see you perform, they would have made more of an effort to escape. But if your parents are spies, they probably did escape in time to make it to your recital, but they had to get debriefed by someone known only as X. Spy life, huh?

Your dad always has had a ton of girlfriends, and they’re always wearing bikinis for no reason

Sure, it’s been hard since your dad was widowed when your mom died in a high speed car chase in Switzerland. It’s possible that your dad’s constant string of sexy girlfriends who all have names like “Olive Herklosov” might be his way of grieving. But it could also be a sign that he’s secretly an international spy who lets pleasure get in the way of business because he keeps “dating” the women he meets on his missions.

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