How To Survive An Alien Encounter
In addition to their regular curriculum, the Sandford Primary School in the United Kingdom has begun teaching their students a truly useful skill: UFO crash drills. But don’t despair, America. If you take the time to learn a few basic rules of etiquette, you too can be prepared for First Contact.
1. Keep An Open Mind
Not all aliens want to kill you. Before you try to blow them up, take a few moments to find out whether they’ve come to make friends or annihilate the human race. If the former, invite them to dinner or take them snowboarding. If the latter, well, you’re screwed.
2. Don’t Bully Aliens Because They Look Different From You
Just because someone looks different from you, it doesn’t give you the right to tease or bully them. Not all aliens are hot chicks. Some look like this:
Ugly aliens have feelings, too, so give them the same respect you would any other hideous life form.
3. Befriend A Dolphin
When the aliens arrive, they will most likely want to hang out with the smartest earth creatures. Dolphins are the most intelligent animals on earth, followed closely by white mice (who have been conducting experiments on the human race for years), and then humans.
Make friends with a dolphin, and you’ll get invited to all the cool extraterrestrial parties.
4. Practice The Golden Rule
Face it, no one likes to be probed, dissected or poked with sticks, so do unto aliens as you would have them do unto you, and resist the temptation to perform experiments on them. Remember: don’t disembowel an extraterrestrial unless they try to disembowel you first.
5. Take A Foreign Language Class (Or Stick A Fish In Your Ear)
When you make First Contact, you won’t have nearly as much fun if you can’t talk to your new interstellar friends, so take some time to learn their language.
Most high schools have a two-year foreign language requirement. Instead of taking Spanish or Tagalog, consider learning a more useful language, such as Martian, Klingon or Jawaese. When deciding which language to learn, keep in mind that only certain alien species are capable of interstellar travel. Learning Na’vi or the tribal tongue of the Ewoks will be a waste of your time, much like taking French II.
A universal language translator — such as the TARDIS or the translator used by Starfleet Command — is ideal, but it may be tough to travel forward in time to get one and still make it home in time for curfew. However, science nerds should have no problem genetically engineering a Babel fish.
6. Don’t Discuss Religion Or Politics
Discussing heated social topics is always gauche at a dinner party; even more so when entertaining extraterrestrials. After all, you don’t know where they stand on religion or politics. Although you may have firm opinions about Tea Partying or the mosque at Ground Zero, stick to the safe topics: work, movies, music and the weather.
7. Don’t Have Sex On The First Date
No matter how charming or tender your alien friend is, DON’T MATE WITH HIM. This point of etiquette cannot be stressed enough. Sure they may be hot and sexy…
But if you get pregnant, you don’t know what you’ll end up with.
8. Don’t Forward Them Stupid Emails
If an alien race makes contact with you via email, whatever you do, don’t forward them the stupid emails your mom sends you. She might think animals in clothing are adorable, but since no one else on earth does, chances are good that folks in other solar systems will think they’re lame, too. Note: If you’re tempted to forward them an “important warning,” such as the one about gang members driving with their headlights off and shooting Good Samaritans who flash their lights at them, check Snopes first to make sure the story is real.