If The Cast Of ‘American Pie’ Was Replaced By The Cast Of ‘Harry Potter’
If there's one thing I know, it's that Hollywood loves to give the people what they want. And apparently we were all clamoring for another American Pie movie!! Please imagine that the previous two sentences were written in the sarcasm font. Okay, good. You know what we really want, Hollywood?? We want more Harry Potter movies!!! And until we get those, why don't you just keep putting the cast to good use by making your crappy movies magically better! Here's a look at how much better the American Pie franchise would be with Harry Potter characters!
Jim Levenstein / Ron Weasley
Who better to play the sexually inexperienced awkward nerd, Jim Levenstein, than the sexually inexperienced awkward nerd, Ron Weasley? Thank goodness they have some smart ladies around to school them during the sexy times! I'd pay serious CASH MONEY to see Dumbledore take points away from Gryffindor after catching Ron going at it with a cauldron cake!
Michelle Flaherty / Hermione Granger
Can't you just picture her screaming 'Say my name, BITCH!' at Ron? I bet she has IRL. Like if Harry Potter was real. Sometimes I get confused. She's a perfect switch! All we have to do is change band camp to magic camp and replace the flute with a magic wand! FYI that's10 3/4" of vine wood, with a dragon heartstring. Careful, girl!
Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher / Harry Potter
There isn't a great role for Harry, but we can't leave him out! HE'S HARRY FRIGGIN' POTTER!! This role definitely fits. Chris is a star athlete with a reputation, who is actually a good guy. Sounds about right. I mean ain't no greater reputation than being the 'boy who lived' ! Now he can be the 'boy who gets laid'. I think he deserves it after all he's been through. I mean, I really hope he sowed his oats a little before he coupled up with Ginny Weasley. Because 'I defeated The Dark Lord.' Is a surefire pick-up line.
Steve 'Stifmeister' Stifler / Draco Malfoy
Who better to take on the role of the dude who slips Finch a laxative than everyone's favorite Slytherin bad boy, Draco Malfoy. Accio Explosive Diarrhea! Plus I would love to see Draco chug that 'Pale Ale'. I guess the alcohol kills the semen germs, right? Now I feel, queasy.
Stifler’s Mom/ Bellatrix Le Strange
Besides being a crazy ass lunatic, Bellatrix is kind of hot, don't you think? She's a total MILF without kids. Or is she a WILF? Whatever she's called, she totally has the non-existent morals necessary to bed an underage boy. I just wouldn't wanna be in the vicinity when she does it. You know she probably wails like a banshee when she's getting some. I don't like to hear people's sexy times. Bad childhood memory.
Jim’s Dad/ Albus Dumbledore
Who better to play the wise sexpert/father figure to the gang than Dumbledore? Surely his knowledge of porn is as extensive as is his knowledge of Transfiguration and Ancient Ruins? Am I right? Plus it would be HILAR to see him confess his love for 'pounding the old pud.' That kind of sounds like what Dumbledore might call fapping. That or 'Time to Slytherin my hand, YO!'
Paul Finch/ Neville Longbottom
If anyone is getting some MILF action it is definitely gonna be this hottie! He's for sure the kind of boy you can bring home to meet your parents. Just don't leave him alone with your horny mom! Plus Neville's also comfortable going from zero to hero. If anyone can go from a humiliating public sh*t to 'losing it' on a pool table to a MILF, it's our boy Longbottom.
Severus Snape / ???
I don't have a character for him to replace. I just want him in it, throwing down verbal slams and stinkeye like it's no one's business! In fact I want him in every movie. GET ON IT HOLLYWOOD!
Who else would you like to see replaced? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!