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If Famous Video Game Vehicles Were Real

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Why settle for just an ordinary car when with a little wishing and a massive restructuring of the automotive industry you could have one of these?


Super Mario's Kart


Pros: Maneuvers better than most vehicles on space rainbows. Acquires instant speed boosts from just mushrooms. Ability to become tiny helps you drive under toll booth barriers.

Cons: Above attributes clearly the work of stoner mechanics who may or may not have remembered to add brakes or install a GPS unit that doesn’t constantly forget where it’s going.


Halo’s Warthog


Pros: Great for all terrains, be it off-road or extraterrestrial. Three-seater makes it perfect for those summertime road trips/compound assaults. Back-mounted turret ensures minimal highway tailgating.

Cons: Rarely driven without colossal body count, even when just taken to the market.


Twisted Metal’s Ice Cream Truck


Pros: Combines the summertime joy of a King Cone or Creamsicle with the Fourth of July joy of unending ballistic explosives.

Cons: Does absolutely nothing to lessen society’s overwhelming fear of clowns and guys who repeatedly drive vans around the neighborhood.


Original Tron's Light Cycle


Pros: Makes even the most bad*ss Harley about as cool as peddling a Radio Flyer tricycle while your mom yells, “Don’t go too fast or you’ll get the tummy troubles!”

Cons: Ability to steer only in straight lines and hard right angles gives cycle the sure-handed maneuverability of driving an Etch-a-Sketch against oncoming gasoline trucks.


Atari Combat’s Tank


Pros: Absence of a third dimension has to save on fuel. Can bank-shot projectiles. Surprisingly festive paintjob for an assault vehicle.

Cons: Absence of third dimension limits seating and storage capacity. Bank-shot projectiles have a funny way of returning to their point of origin. Colorful paintjob makes camouflage impossible except when hiding among Easter eggs.


The Legend of Zelda’s Epona


Pros: Companionship. Out of all the vehicles on this list the easiest to emulate. Can go as a unicorn for Halloween.

Cons: Annual care/feeding/shodding/sheltering/even more medical care/still more feeding/are you serious he needs to be shod again/he needs even more shots of a horse about as cost-efficient as driving a diamond-encrusted blimp.

Which video game vehicle would you wanna drive? Let us know in the comments!

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