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If Famous Villains Pursued Other Jobs

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They didn’t  have to pursue taking over the world and/or killing in great numbers. With a little guidance and some crucial business contacts the following villains could have led very different professional lives indeed.


1. Lord Voldemort


What if Dumbledore had never encouraged Tom Riddle’s gifts? What if “He Who Must Not Be Named” never learned that he was a wizard? His inherently evil demeanor would still surface, but as a middle-manager in a small marketing firm, where he would wield his petty power destroying employees’ lives with such performance reviews as “Employee takes criticism well. Perhaps regular beatings will break him,” “Can handle pressure. Can handle stress. Can’t handle honest remarks about her ugly, ugly children, ” “Employee could only do ten push-ups, 20 if I don’t sit on top of him” and “Employee makes friends very easily. Meanwhile it’s my birthday and no one has said hello to me or even looked in my direction all day. Think I’ll make an example of said employee.”


2. Freddy Krueger


It’s hard to find employment for someone who only lives in dreams, unless he’s hired to screw up Leonardo DiCaprio’s attempts at inception. So maybe Freddy could use his placement in people’s heads to start subliminal advertising campaigns. Instead of simply trying to kill the dreamer, he could suddenly appear and say “No one can beat Walmart’s low, low prices!” Or he could interrupt your dreams with commercials or trailers for upcoming movies (which are sort of like kids’ dreams in that they all seem to involve superheroes or Alvin and the Chipmunks.) Or maybe he could try to work product placements into your dreams, so that you wake up wondering why you were saved by a can of Red Bull and made out with a bag of pretzel M&M’s.


3. Hannibal Lector


Though his brilliant insight made him the perfect psychiatrist—albeit for patients not seeking help so much as routine gnawing—Dr. Lector could also have used his insidious intellect making congressional leaders very compliant as a lobbyist for Exxon. Hannibal’s complete absence of human compassion and ability to manipulate others would result in Exxon not only avoiding taxes but also getting annual Christmas bonuses from every American citizen, the right to drill for oil in not only national parks but also in park wildlife and having legislation passed that would make it mandatory that the name “The United States of America”  to always be followed by the words “9/10 of a cent “ and “Food Mart.”


4. The Joker


In “The Dark Knight” the Joker is a force of evil without rhyme or reason except to create chaos and destruction. So it’s only natural that these specific talents be used to supervise a local post office where inefficiency, poor service and a staff that desires to prolong any and all confusion and agony would welcome their new boss. Perhaps the Joker would purposely misdirect your packages, especially any with perishables or insulin. Perhaps he would close every customer window but one and then use it to slowly shred your income tax forms. Or perhaps he would make sure all your holiday cards arrived with the cute images replaced by a shot of someone’s naked ass and the greeting “Merry Crapmas.”


5. Zombies


Unlike other villains, zombies rarely have a game plan, a thirst for power or a lack of intestinal earthworms. But what they do have is the ability to operate without question, without sleep and without realizing they’ve been staring unblinkingly at nothing for 8 hours. This would make them the perfect late-night crew at a fast food restaurant. A fast food restaurant where customers would be advised to use only the drive-thru window, where the night manager would run things via phone from a remote location and where the entire staff would eventually find themselves wandering into the fry vat, leading to a whole new dollar menu featuring such vaguely named items as “Crunchy Thing” and “McDefinitely Not a Human Finger.”


6. The Wicked Witch Of The West


So many people turn to villainy due to an unfortunate physical deformity (The Joker, Dr. Octopus, the cast of “Family Circus” before they got their heads properly resized). Yet these very same supposedly “off-putting” individuals regularly manage to attract large numbers of employees with almost no assurance of job security, professional mobility or full life expectancy. So clearly someone like the Witch—who was able to convince both humans and airborne monkeys to work for her—would have the charisma and magnetism to be a self-help guru. She could lead thousands of people to seek their own inner beauty through expensive seminars, countless books and intimidating midgets.


7. The Shark From “Jaws”


True, one can argue that a shark should not be considered a villain at all, especially when it’s only following its own natural predatory instincts for survival. And yes, sharks have very limited career opportunities outside of Sea World and Discovery Channel programming. But the shark from “Jaws” could both rehabilitate his image and make a little extra money by serving as the mascot for a Little League team of adorable first-graders. A Little League team that would make every other team fear for their lives once they caught a glimpse of their graphic, bloody logo depicting  a shark eviscerating two swimmers and Nemo at the same time. But still, he’d be helping kids and that’s always a good thing.


8. Darth Vader


What is Darth Vader’s most defining trait? The dark side of the Force? His always-in-fashion black outfit? The way he sounds like Mufasa from “The Lion King”? No, it’s the heavy breathing that many think is caused by collapsed lungs but is actually a consistent exasperated sigh, caused by his people screwing up the capture of Luke Skywalker again and again. And it’s this very sense of disappointment that would make him ideal for the most important job of all—mom. Or maybe he could just wait tables at a disturbing theme restaurant.

What are some jobs you'd like to see your favortie villain taking on? Let us know in the comments!

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