If Game Console Names Were Brutally Honest
Can you imagine how the guy who came up with the name “Wii” pitched it to the guys at Nintendo? I can’t, but I can imagine what the response was: “That is a great name and I love it, but we also will not be giving you a raise this year, because you still basically just pitched us a synonym for ‘penis.'”
Other than that weird example, most game consoles these days have pretty simple names. Often, though, these names don’t tell the whole story, so I’ve decided to give a few of them a rebranding so that are a bit more indicative of what the consoles are.
People always dismiss this console entirely because the 3D gives them headaches. You do know the 3D can be turned off, right?
Before you play Halo or Call of Duty online, make a checklist containing all the homophobic, racist and profane terms you know. Once you’ve heard them all through the voices of 12-year-olds you’ve killed in matches, take a shot of Mountain Dew.
If you’re really impressed with processing power and performance, but don’t know what a PC is (or can’t figure out how to get one for cheap), then this is the console for you!
I was torn between this name and “Netflix Machine,” which is apparently the only “killer app” the Xbox One has.
On paper, the Vita is better than the 3DS in just about every way. Still, for some reason, nobody has one, and you can’t play Pokémon on it, so what’s the point? It’s like spending a lot of money on a knife organizer when you only have spoons. Thanks to Alanis Morrisette for that random analogy.
Mobile Gaming Device
Do you think the mobile gaming industry would be as big as it is now if people didn’t need to poop? Probably not! Also, the author of Everybody Poops probably wouldn’t have been able to afford to build the Poopboy Mansion, which is where I assume he lives.
Alienware computers can be great, but they’re expensive, and not really that great. If I see you with one, I assume you have too much money (or your parents do), you don’t know much about building a P.C., and you’re probably single. No judgement in that last one, though.
Razer Gaming Laptop
When you see a college kid bring a laptop to a college lecture, do you think, wow, he’s gonna take notes SO HARD? No–you think, boy, I hope I hope he plays something cool so I can watch. Also, please don’t watch porn because that would be really awkward.
Towerfall is the most successful game sold on the OUYA, and that only sold 7,000 copies. The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct sold more than that. But at least OUYA’s making money from all the Mario and Sonic games people are always playing on it, right? OH WAIT.
It happened to the Gamecube and the Wii, and I feel like it’s already happened to the Wii U.
Which of these new console names do you think work better than their official ones? And which ones do you think I got wrong… perhaps because you were at the midnight launch of that particular console and are secretly in love with it? Let me know in the comments below!