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If Quidditch Were Real: Team USA

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This summer the new Harry Potter theme park opened. I did not go because I actually have some self-respect, and at the rate I grow facial hair… guests of the park would have mistaken me for Hagrid. But I was curious, so I checked out the website.



Well, one way or another I got linked over to the International Quidditch Assosiation homepage, don’t ask me how. Despite the flying, these people really play Quidditch. I mean, they have their own league (NERDS! Cough cough..)  So that got me thinking… Quidditch was an international sport, who would make Team USA?



Shaquille O’neal – Keeper

If you combine his natural athletic ability with the miraculous wizardry he employed in the film Kazzam… that’s one hell of a quidditch player.


Lindsay Lohan – Beater

Team USA will need to be aggressive to have any chance out there. I am willing to bet that Lindsay Lohan will be filled with aggression after being released from the slammer recently. Let’s hope she doesn’t shank anyone out there.


Adam Sandler – Seeker

That’s not just gibberish. Believe me, this guy knows his magic. He’s Happy Gilmore on a broom, and he wants to bring home the Gold for the U.S.


Kim Kardashian – Chaser

She would start at Keeper simply because of her vast experience handling other athletes balls.


Flava Flav – Beater

His grill is so bright that it would distract the opposing players. Dumbledore must be doing his dental work.


Barry Bonds – Chaser

It may be forbidden in Baseball, but for my Quidditch team steroids aren’t only permitted but encouraged! That’s why Barry Bonds gets my pick. He’s ready to knock some skulls out there!


Betty White – Team Captain

Just like all the other powerful wizards of the world Betty is hundreds of years old, and with age comes wisdom and leadership. Every team needs a captain, let’s hope she doesn’t break a hip.


Coach Justin Bebier – Coach

His age demographic is very familiar with Harry Potter and the game of Quidditch. Unfortunately a lack of height prohibits him from playing…I think he’s indicating how close he is to puberty.


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