6 Inanimate Objects That Killed People in Movies
Anybody can make a movie featuring a human killer. But it takes a certain type of genius..or a certain absence of basic filmmaking skills…to create a truly memorable film about that thing on your desk eating your soul. (Warning: Spoilers Ahead.)
Laundry Machine (“The Mangler”)
Stephen King has long recognized the killer instinct in every day items, from cars to trucks to that story about a Zamboni that remains unpublished because few things are frightening at 2 mph. But all that was a prelude to his short story-turned-movie about an industrial laundry machine that gets blood and antacids on it and so immediately falls under demonic possession because, uh, science and stuff. In an attempt to exorcise the demon the machine is administered holy water, only for it to become even more evil than ever because the water also contained antacids, making the film an absolute nightmare for Tums marketers. The laundry machine then runs into the streets, severing body parts in an ending that will scare the crap out of anyone who ever looked at a copy machine and said, “I’m on to you.”
Gingerbread Man (“The Gingerdead Man”)
A crazed killer is electrocuted and his ashes are given to his mom, a witch who puts them in a gingerbread mix (rather than, say, a Duncan Hines box, thereby depriving us of the movie “Moist Deluxe Fudge Marble Kill Mix”). The tainted result is then left at the doorstep of the bakery owned by the mom and daughter whose testimony led to the killer’s conviction. Unknowingly, they use the mix to make a life-size gingerbread man who then comes alive and blah blah blah none of this makes any sense until you hear that Gary Busey plays the cookie. Then suddenly any plot is possible! Psychotic strudel played by Gary Busey holds the President hostage? Of course! A slew of cake pops all played by Gary Busey get access to NORAD’s launch codes? Naturally! This movie had an actual sequel called “Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust”? Anything else would be unthinkable.
Refrigerator (“The Refrigerator”)
Promoted with the tagline “No survivors, only leftovers,” 1991’s “The Refrigerator” opens with a drunken couple making love in their NYC apartment only for the girlfriend to get consumed by the fridge, which probably screws them out of their security deposit. Two years later another couple moves in only to have nightmares about the fridge teeming with tiny previous victims, unborn babies, and maybe something white they thought was cheese until they bit into it and thought, “Oh god, old tomato.” So in response the couple throws a dinner party, causing all the kitchen appliances to go on a murderous rampage due an ancient curse known as “It’s Act III.” At the end another couple is seen moving into the same apartment and no doubt the story will repeat itself yet again because this is Manhattan, b*tches, and you either deal with a killer kitchenette or you move to Queens.
Bed (“Death Bed: The Bed That Eats”)
A movie already made famous by a Patton Oswalt routine, “Death Bed” is the stirring tale of a bed inhabited by a demon because as you’ve probably realized by now, you’re either possessed by a malevolent spirit or you’re Gary Busey. However, this film mixes things up by first having the demon be a tree who then became a breeze because, uh, more science. The breeze then falls in love with a woman it passes and so becomes a man who tries to get her attention by buying a bed (a move known in dating parlance as “real classy.”) But while they’re making love she dies and his eyes merge with the bed and generations pay the price by being swallowed whole by a mattress that for some reason no one thinks to replace after several hundred years. Also, the bed throws tantrums. And a nearby painting knows all. And at one point the mattress calms its upset stomach with Pepto Bismol. In other words, why aren’t you watching this movie now?
Snowman (“Jack Frost”)
If a serial killer can be turned into a cookie by magic then certainly a serial killer can be turned into a snowman by way of a collision with one of those genetic material trucks you always see on the highway, slowing down traffic and sporting bumper stickers that read “Become a Genetic Material Truck Driver! Call the Center for Disease Control Today.” Of course, exactly what that genetic material is never gets identified because when it comes to horror movies the more you explain something the less sense it makes until you’re left screaming at the TV, “Why would a tree demon become a breeze?! Hail I can understand because you get to snow in summer and mess with people’s minds! But a breeze?!” That’s because “Death Bed” is such a fascinating movie that you can’t stop thinking about it no matter what film you’re watching.
The Whole Damn House (“Hausu”)
A Japanese schoolgirl brings her six friends to her aunt’s country home only for almost everything you read in this post to happen in one remarkable film. You want possessed household items? A piano eats one girl and keeps playing with her severed fingers while a light fixture cuts off another’s legs only for them to keep running. You want severed body parts? A visitor loses her head only for it to fly around and bite someone in the a**. It even has a killer mattress! And while sadly there is no Gary Busey, there is a spirit that lives on by eating unmarried girls because, uh, even more science.
What inanimate objects are you afraid of? Let us know in the comments!