Funny Articles

Jobs Disney Stars Would Be Working If They Weren’t On Disney

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Disney shows feature kids and teens living magical lives of Hollywood adventure or Blue Blood excess. Famous people having famous fun! The actors on those shows tend to be children of celebrities, or stage parents who made their daughter walk around in high heels at the age of two to teach her poise. Now these proto-celebrities get to take advantage of all the attendant priviledges that come with fame, like money, body guards, a distorted psyche, chemical dependency, and a hopelessly destructive self-esteem based entirely on the wax and wane of their star power! But had these people not been lucky enough to land roles on these Disney shows where would they be now, what they be doing for work?


Miley Cyrus – Still Rich

miley cyrus rich

Her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, and he's loaded, so she'd just not work and he'd buy her a house next to his with lots of flamingoes in the yard that she can stand on the balcony and shoot at when she gets bored.


Demi Lovato – Genie At Disneyland

demi lovato


Having dropped out of high school and after hunting around on Craig's List for over a year, she'd finally settle on wearing a Genie costume at Disney. However, she'd only keep the job for three months before passing out one day from dehydration in the poorly insulated costume, and end up never working again after succesfully suing Disney for the danger the costume put her in. Happy ending!


Hillary Duff – Militia Leader

hillary duff

Disaffected after 10 unsuccessful years in Hollywood, and blaming her problem on the status quo, Hillary would take a passing swing at being a Scientologist before leaving the city and falling in with a group of right-wing radicals with a small encampment deep in the Rocky Mountains. There her natural leadership abilities would shine and she would rise the ranks quickly, becoming the leader of the organization on the promise that she'd figure out a way to secure them a tank.


Selena Gomez – Vampire Hunter

selena gomez


If only Selena Gomez had not gotten her Disney gig, then her natural vampire hunting abilities would have been allowed to shine and there wouldn't be so many damn vampires flying around that I was constantly changing my windshield wipers because they keep slamming into my car while I drive.


The Jonas Brothers – A Modestly Successful Pizza Parlor


The Jonas Brothers would have founded Three Brothers Pizza, a modestly successful pizza parlor located in Penscola, Florida! They'd spend their days making pizza, having goofy brotherly fun, and waiting until they were married to have sex.


Vanessa Hudgens – Rolling Around In Melted Butter Being Hot


Vanessa Hudgens loves nothing more than rolling around in melted butter and looking hot. Without a job at Disney she would have had nothing but free time to pursue her true passion!

Oscar – Serial Killer

oscar serial killer


If Oscar, the shy, introverted fish from Fish Hooks hadn't managed to get a job on TV that forced him to interact with people, he would have retreated deeper and deeper into himself until he found the dark core at the bottom of him that demanded that he kill for pleasure.



What other jobs would other Disney stars have were they not Disney stars? Let us know in the comments!


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