HUMANITY DOOMED: Laser Attached to Shark’s Head!
There are so many ways to get Facebook Likes— you can post sad song lyrics or non-specific details about your relationship. You can put up pictures of yourself dressed as a character from Mad Men. You can even write an inspirational quote to make everyone's day a little brighter, like "If every baby bird could fly from its nest we'd never see the sun". I know that doesn't make sense but that's why it ended up on Facebook and not burned into a piece of wood at Pier One Imports.
Thank God for Pier One and the meaning it gives all our moms' lives.
But the raddest way to get Facebook Likes, as the Hong Kong-based Wicked Laser laser company discovered, is to promise to attach a laser to a shark. A laser to a shark. Wicked Lasers promised that once they hit 2000 Facebook Likes the laser would be combined with the shark, presumably to destroy all those who did not like them on Facebook.
I Liked it and then I Unliked it just so I could Like it again.
The goal was easily reached — because who the Hell doesn't want to see this? — and marine biologist Luke Tipple was hired to do the attaching. Initially he was against the idea, calling it a "frivolous stunt", but when he realized it gave him a chance to clamp things to sharks, he was all about it, saying "it would give us an opportunity to test our clips and attachments, and whatever is attached to that clip, I really don’t care."
You'd goddamn better care.
The laser the shark was armed with isn't very dangerous and wouldn't cause any ocular damage to surrounding ocean life. The CEO of Wicked Lasers, Steve Liu, said "The sharks could be significantly more dangerous. If there was a way the shark could operate the laser on its own accord and use it against humans, we wouldn’t even attempt this.” To which I say you idiot it's already a shark. It's like giving a bear a Nerf gun— you're still fighting a bear.
THE SLIGHTEST ADVANTAGE IS STILL AN ADVANTAGE.
However, not everyone thinks this is awesome. Neil Hammerschlag, an assistant professor with the Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science, said “I don’t think it’s going to cause any damage to the shark. It’s temporary. In terms of the goal, without knowing the specific scientific or educational application, it’s hard to say… You’re just causing unnecessary stress on the animal. It’s not respectful.”
Needless to say, Dr. Hammerschlag was killed this morning by a laser-shark.
What futile attempts will you make to battle the laser-ridden shark? Let me know on Twitter or leave a comment below!