Military Training Company Preparing for Zombie Apocalypse!
You know how your mom goes to real estate seminars, like, every weekend, hoping to learn some new TIPS AND/ OR TRICKS for her quote unquote "house flipping" business? Well, it turns out they have seminars like this for military professionals too, and one of them, run by the California based HALO Corporation, is going beyond the standard armed services subject matter.
They're gonna teach you to shoot dead people as well as brown people!
Yes, the Military Times is reporting that at their upcoming Counter-Terrorism Summit, the HALO Corp. will provide instructions for the militay on how to deal with a disease epidemic that renders people comatose and violent—essentially inciting the zombie apocalypse. Other courses featured at the seminar include Al-Qaeda's Penetration of the US Army, FBI, and CIA; Cartels: Tactics, Techniques, and Procedures; Close Quarters Combat; The Radicalization Process: An Insider's View; Social Engineering: The Art of Human Hacking; U.S. – Mexico Extradition Treaty; and finally, Warrior Mindset and Practical Application. It's all pretty scary stuff. Maybe HALO Corp. should be taking this more seriously, and leave the zombie jokes where they belong—interspersed in the conversations college dudes have over Smash Bros.
"Zombies are cool and all, but seriously dudes, do you think anyone could ever love me?"
And the way the Military Times reported this story is phenominal. Remember, the military is SERIOUS business for SERIOUS people, as evidenced by this quote:
"The far-fetched scenario of a government grappling a zombielike threat — think movies like “Night of the Living Dead” or, more comically, “Zombieland” — has captured the attention … of the security firm HALO Corp."
"More comically"? That's either intentionally dismissive or shows that the Military Times is so serious that they have no idea how to talk about comedy like a human being.
"We understand that these training exercises are attempting to use
something known as 'levitiy'. Think of a child using his or her banana
as a telephone, or your commanding officer asking your opinion."
HALO Corp. has stated that the exercise's purpose is simply to break up the intense training the seminar's attendees will face, but I, for one, am not buying it. There's been so much smoke vis a vis an impending zombie apocalypse that there must be a fire. What does the government know that we don't? And while we're at it, governemnt, I want to know EVERYTHING: WHO is actually responsible for 9/11? WHAT shot John F. Kennedy? WHERE is the Loch Ness Monster? WHEN will Obama release his real birth certificate? And WHY was Once Upon a Time the highest rated new TV show last season?
NOTHING IS ADDING UP HERE, GOVERNMENT.
Realistically, what do you think are your odds of surviving the zombie apocalypse? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!