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Mortal Kombat Characters I Wish They’d Add

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The new Mortal Kombat game is almost upon us, and while it's exciting to know we'll soon be shooting harpoons into people's chest and getting them over here, it kind of feels like we've both been there AND done that. With that in mind, there are some characters we feel would enrich the Mortal Kombat mythology, and here they are:


1. Tyler Zero, Sub-Zero's Son Who Doesn't Want To Be Here

Sub-Zero actually comes from a long line of ninjas who control the element of ice and engage in tournaments to defend the Earth realm. It was his father's profession, and his father's before him. Unfortunately, young Tyler Zero does not want to follow in his father's footsteps; he wants to write plays about aging salesmen that have a lot of subtext. He would be involved in the Mortal Kombat tournament, but only to get his dad off his back. Right after that it's off to Liberal Arts college.


2. Conan O'Brien

He could punch you from across the map with those long limbs. Think Dhalsim from Super Street Fighter but with less overt Indian racism and more overt Irish racism.


3. Dennis Chamberton — Cowboy District Attorney Who Is Also A Submarine Captain And Vampire

Let's be honest. It's been a while since Mortal Kombat's heyday, so there's a lot of kids who have never played a Mortal Kombat game. Liu Kang and, uh, Sheeva simply won't hold their ADD-riddled attention span. Only a completely awesome dude like Dennis Chamberton, who is a cowboy district attorney and etcetera and etcetera will entice them. Are all these awesome things Dennis Chamberton is not awesome enough? What if he had, I don't know, metal legs? Or drank a lot of Mountain Dew LiveWire? DO KIDS THINK THIS IS COOL YET?


4. Phillip Seymour Hoffman

He's just so wonderful in everything.


5. The Guy Who Plays Acoustic Guitar At Parties

"What do you guys want to hear? Closing Time? Yeah, I know that one, but I'm going to need your help to sing it." And then he nods at the prettiest girl at the party. Ugh. Haven't you always wanted to punch, punch, low kick, Shadow Kick that guy in the face?


6. Ke$ha

Ke$ha would fit perfectly in the Mortal Kombat universe, having already stated that she is ready to, ahem, fight until she sees the sunlight. Her projectile attack could be throwing a handful of the thick slime-like substance Ke$ha secretes at her opponent.


7. Moro (Five-armed Goro)

Having one more arm than Goro, it follows that Moro would be one arm better than Goro. So that'd be pretty tight.


8. The Hobo From The Corner of Spring Street and Fifth

The Hobo would be a character for only the most seasoned Mortal Kombat player, as the amount of hard drugs coursing through his system would turn your button commands into button suggestions. During one round pressing down, forward, high punch high kick may perform a combo. The next round, pressing the same buttons may cause him to turn to the camera and shout about the rabbits that live in his bones.


9. Theodore Roosevelt

During a campaign stop in 1912, Theodore Roosevelt was shot in the chest. With a BULLET. FROM A GUN. And he damn sure gave the rest of that 90 minute speech. Obviously that kind of toughness would serve him well in the Mortal Kombat tournament. For comparison, it's been said that Jax cried at the end of Marley and Me. THEREFORE THEODORE ROOSEVELT COULD AT LEAST BEAT JAX.

Where should you go to tell us about anyone else you think should be in the new Mortal Kombat? The answer to that question is the comments!

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