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My Expectations For The Last Month Of The World

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If the Mayans were right, we’ve just begun the last month of the world. And if the world is anything like our high school experience, we’re all about to start taking lots of pictures, singing Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” and discovering the underrated awesome-but-quirky kid. Here are some other things we expect this pre-doomsday December to bring.


Snooki Will Conceive A Child Without Having Sex

end world snooki baby


If we’re drawing parallels to Christianity, Snooki is probably the anti-Mary. Therefore, if the the anti-Mary were to immaculately conceive, her child would have to be the anti-Christ. (Note: legitimately “immaculately conceive,” not just black out and deny whatever The Situation claims happened.) (By the way, I’m Jewish and have no idea if this logic tracks.)


Hugh Jackman Will Receive Bad Reviews In The “Les Miserables” Movie

end world les mis


Wolverine hasn’t executed anything poorly in his life. If Les Mis does anything less than smash box office records, we’ll all need to man some real-life barricades… against the zombie revolution!


The President Of Egypt Will Ban “Gangnam Style,” Horsey Dance

end world riots egypt


We’ve seen what happens when Morsi declares that the Egyptians aren’t allowed to do something. Let’s combine that with our knowledge of what happens when people aren’t allowed to dance, as illustrated by the movie Footloose. If Morsi’s constitutional declarations were to be extended to happy-making Psy songs, nuclear riots won’t be far behind.


Someone In Chicago Will Say It’s “Nice” Out

end world chicago summer


Global warming will have reached a crisis-level tipping point if Chicago experiences even one December day of tolerable temperatures.


Sales Of The Samsung Galaxy S III Will Outpace Those Of The iPhone 5

end world samsung iphone


The Samsung Galaxy S III outselling the iPhone 5 would definitely portend the end of the world because A) it’s so unlikely given humanity’s ability to reason and B) Apple’s ability to reprogram our brains before they’d allow that to happen. And if Apple loses control of society, chaos reigns.


You’ll Study For Finals In Manageable Increments Starting At The Beginning Of The Month

end world samsung iphone


Because it would be just your luck that you’d rock your finals and then the world ends and your grades don’t end up meaning anything. Let’s face it. You’re not going to responsibly study for finals any more than you’re going to buy into an end-of-the-world prophesy.


What else would you expect to happen in the last month of the world? Let us know in the comments!


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