Funny Articles

My Infuriating Time Playing Battlefield 3 Beta (As A Noob)

By  | 

I've been clamoring to play this Battlefield 3 that everyone's been talking about, but I haven't owned an X-Box or Playstation 3 since I had to sell them for rent money during that last, dark Christmas. But my friend Natalie sure has a lot of video games, so I asked if she would invite me over to play the beta. And even though it was 11 pm on a Sunday night and she had work in the morning, Natalie was a trooper and let me come over and use her X-Box! Thanks Natalie! Anyhow, here's how my first time playing Battlefield 3 went!


Finding a Game


While we waited for the server to find me a game, Natalie and I took the time to talk and catch up. It turns out, she didn't get into the grad school she was hoping for and has just been staying in and feeling bad about herself lately. Then she had to shut right the Hell up because the servers had found us a game and it was time to play Battlefield!


First Match – Team Deathmatch


Hey, did you know you could press L3 to sprint? That's cool, I didn't know tha- Oop. I died.
"No big deal," Natalie said. "No one's great their first time."
"Hah, you're right," I laughed along.

And then I smiled for what would be the final time that evening.


Second Match – Rush


See, here's what I don't get. Do people enjoy themselves playing this game? Do they have fun trying to distinguish between the grey guys who are on their team and the grey guys who are on the other team? And I honest to God spent like six hours walking across this goddamn map trying to get to where the battles were happening. ANd I never found them. All I found was a moat and some grass textures. Which were nice, I guess. Probably would've been nicer if I was playing on the PC. I began to resent Natalie for not having Battlefield on the PC.


Around my Fifth Death in the Second Match


I was finally starting to pick up the game here so I was able to stay alive until I could make it to a tank. But then they were shooting the tank and I was all "Come on! I'm in a tank!" Apparently Battlefield 3 doesn't care if you're in a tank. I got so angry about this that I threw Natalie's god damn iPad out the window. She was about to say something, but she just stayed silent, probably dismayed about how unfair Battlefield 3 was.


Roughly Between my Eighth Death in the Third Match and Sixteenth Death in the Fourteenth Match


With each passing death, all I could think about was how I no longer cared who was friendly and who wasn't. I shot everyone. At this point, I would literally count a Team Kill as a kill. I just want to know what it feels like to end a digital life. I want to see the digital life drain out of their digital eyes.


After I Ripped The X-Box From the TV and Tore Into It With Tooth and Claw


Obviously that X-Box didn't work anymore, but thankfully Natalie had a PlayStation 3 so we started to download the Battlefield beta on that system. While I waited for it to download, I wiped my feet on her clean laundry and drank her soda without asking. I don't even drink soda.


First Match on PlayStation 3 – Team Deathmatch


Things were exactly the same on the PlayStation 3 so I wrote an address on her puppy in Sharpie and put it in the mailbox down the street.


After I put Natalie's PlayStation 3 in the oven I decided to call it a night. As I was leaving, though, Natalie did thank me for coming over. She said that, no matter how bad she felt about herself for not getting into grad school, she at least knew she would never be as awful as me. So even after she saw how difficult it was for me, she still calls me out for being bad at Battlefield? I don't know, that seems kind of rude.

What was your first time playing Battlefield 3 like? Let's hear about it in the comments!



Check Out Video Game Characters You Probably Could Beat Up!