Funny Articles

New York Town Must Choose Between BLOWING UP BALD EAGLES and Having AWESOME FIREWORKS

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There are a lot of things we love here in America: Voting against tax increases, grilling steaks on privately-owned property, eatin' terrorists for breakfast, Spider-Man movies, standing up for freedom of speech without really understanding freedom of speech, adding waffles to our order for just 2.99 more, the list goes on. But there is ultimately nothing Americans love more than bald eagles and explosions.

eagle explosion
This image literally brings a tear to my eye.

But what if those two truly America loves were to come into conflict? The town of Narrowsburg New York faced this grim, unpatriotic scenario this week, as their Fish and Wildlife Department warned the local fire department that their annual fireworks display could harm the town's large bald eagle population – a population important enough to the town to actually hold an annual event called EagleFest. It's vaguely reminiscent of what we told the Iraqi citizens – we love you we might accidentally blow you up.

majestic bald eagle
They're majestic enough to understand.

Now, as we all know, fireworks are a staple of the Fourth of July, just as much as barbecuing and ridiculing the guy who brings artisan bread and artichoke dip to said barbeque. But at the same time, bald eagles are the very symbol of America. How are you going to celebrate it when you're literally exploding it? It was a tough choice for the town of Narrowsburg, but as everyone who saw The Amazing Spider-Man knows, it's the choices that are hardest that define us. At least, I think that's something we learned from The Amazing Spider-Man. That movie seriously had like thirty-five themes.

spider-man uncle ben
"Peter, your father stood for responsibility, and togetherness, and science,
and keeping your promises, and discovering who you are, and also like five other things."


Ultimately, Narrowsburg cancelled the fireworks show so those stupid eagles could continue living. This Fourth of July, when the poor citizens of Narrowsburg, New York look into the night sky, the American flags that symbolizes their heart will wave slightly less ferociously. Listen, I love bald eagles because I'm American as sh*t, but I hope they're real goddamn proud of themselves.

awesome bald eagle
"Suck it clowns."

Which would you have chosen? Eagles or fireworks? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


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