Funny Articles

Orlando Bloom Attacks Justin Bieber, World Grateful

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Justin Bieber is about as sh*tty as human beings get. He’s an awful byproduct of our celebrity worship culture and how weird it looks when white guys over 20 sag. In any event, last night actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Bieber. Every aspect of this story sounds douchier than the last, and everybody involved comes out looking like an assh*le.

nose justin
PICTURED: Justin Bieber thinking about what the inside of his nose tastes like.

Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom were in a celebrity-packed restaurant on Ibiza, standing near P. Diddy. So right away, we’re dealing with a bunch of people who have more money than any of us could ever imagine — which they earned by making things like Justin Bieber’s music, P. Diddy’s music, and a bunch of movies that wasted everybody’s time about pirates — were blowing their wealth hiding from us in a fancy city. Already at this point I want everybody in this story to get eaten by wild animals.

bieber top hat
This story couldn’t speak to the great divide between rich and poor any louder if it took place in a giant top hat made out of solid gold.

So anyway blah blah blah Justin Bieber slept with Miranda Kerr who was going out with Orlando Bloom who then later slept with Selena Gomez so they don’t like each other blah blah blah leading to Bloom taking the swing. Oh my GODWHOCARES! There’s nothing surprising about rich a-holes using their women like objects and rich a-hole women cheating on their boyfriends. That’s what rich a-holes do. What would really be surprising is if any of the people in this story like, helped an old lady cross a street, started a shelter for people with mental health conditions, used their money to build a charter school. Basically anything even remotely unselfish and lame sounding.

orlando bloom
Every time someone cheats on Orlando Bloom an angel gets its wings.

Hopefully next time Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom get angry at each other right before they fight someone will sneak up right before they fight and replace their hands with firearms.

gun hands
Hey, Machete, what would you do if you saw Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom whinily punching each other at a fancy restaurant in Ibiza?


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